Moving Day

“BE PREPARED TO SUFFER FOR ME, in My Name. All suffering has meaning in My Kingdom. Pain & problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely – even thanking Me for them-is one of the highest forms of praise…When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign & that I can bring good out of everything…accept adversity in My Name, offering it up to Me for My purposes. Thus your suffering gains meaning & draws you closer to Me. Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust & thankfulness. “ ~ Jesus Calling

Blair was only 4 months old when we decided to move back to Texas. Living on 5 acres with all its wide open space, the peace, the quiet that always amazed me because you felt so far away from the rest of the world yet you were in city limits! A lot of memories were fashioned in that house, so much growth…I had been so excited to plan out the babies room, anxiously ready to get started not long after getting word that we would be having our first child in June! I remember the walk up to the house as we brought our brand new baby girl home from the hospital! Mom beaming at the door awaiting our arrival, she in her usual self had worked hard, carefully preparing for this day, cleaning & organizing, making sure everything was just right when that long awaited day came! So many memories fashioned in that house…

The day the movers came I remember sitting in the middle of Blair’s bedroom, the room that we worked so hard decorating, where many a diapers were changed…where the rocking chair clicked back n forth in its rhythmical way as I held that 5 lb. 15 oz. baby at 3 a.m. offering comfort…I sat there like a child myself “crisscross applesauce” smack dab in the middle of her room & sobbed! My heart breaking wide open with all it’s contents slowly seeping out all over the place…How could I possibly walk away from our first house? The house that our first child came to....the room where that sweet girl drifted off to sleep night after night...With walls that offered our family protection through many a storms & rejoiced with all the "firsts", all the love that was shared there…and the countless holidays...As much as I wanted to move on to the next chapter, the thought of leaving it all behind was way too hard, too sad. Every crevice of the place housed so many special times...

Mom was always good at talking things out with me, encouraging me to see things from different directions …As if it were yesterday I remember her saying, “I know you are sad but so much awaits you all, new memories to be made…it’s natural & ok to be sad, but the memories that have been made in this house do not reside in the walls!  They are not things to be left behind, they are memories that you take with you, you carry them in your heart wherever you go, never leaving a single one behind.” She was so right, no matter the countless good-byes & moves that proceeded. 

We have worked incredibly hard going through moms apartment,packing her things & re-homing the things she enjoyed, held so dear. As you can imagine it has been brutal, heartbreaking & at times to much for one soul to bare... but healthy...necessary. Today & tomorrow begin the excruciating task of wrapping things up at her place. The movers will come Tuesday, most of her things packed up, her apartment bare, lacking all the color & life that resided on the walls of the place mom loved, her home. The dreaded time is nearing where the keys will be handed over & a final goodbye will take place as we close the door one last time with the reality that we no longer can just “go over to moms”.  The hollow echo as we shuffle around her place moving boxes about, bags of trash to go out..,"memories do not reside in these walls...they reside in the people, in our hearts to forever hold close..." Getting this part of her affairs will allow us to breathe a little more, to slow down a bit, to have an opportunity to start really grieving. A whole brand new time of reality & grieving. There is still SO much for me to do in handling her affairs but making sure her belongings are on a new journey touching, blessing someone else’s life will be a huge relief. I will be tempted to cling to the walls of that Morgan Street home, cling to the holidays spent around her table, the Easter Egg hunts in the back yard, the laughter, the tears…all the joy that was found in every destination she called  home. There will no longer be a place to go to where my mother once sat reading her book or working on a project, watching her favorite show or selflessly living on me, on her grandchildren. There are no more “off to run another car load of boxes”…Realizing there would no longer be a place to go to that was HERS, where I could feel as close as I possibly could to my mother… I know she would surly remind me though, that she won’t be residing in those walls on Morgan Street, no she will be found in the bright smiles of her grandchildren, in  Shiner dog who offers us light and in the legacy that she has left…always, always, those memories will dig their roots deep down into our hearts,into so many she has touched & loved. “

…BE WILLING TO FOLLOW wherever I lead. Follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you do not know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of site but nonetheless very real…” ~ JC

I must hold tight to HIS promises, to He who continues to hold me up, carry me through the most difficult time of my life when so often it would be easier to lay down...He who never fails to fill air into my lungs with each sunrise, assuring that He will never, ever leave me!

I miss you more than words could ever express mom...I'd give anything to sit with you a while in that livingroom like we have done so many times,...to hunt eggs in you yard and OH how I'd pay good money to wrap my arms around your neck & hear your infamous  "a-p-p-l-e Pie" honk as you drive away. I love you mom!

In HIM,

Sarah

A Life Intentional

I got to thinkin about what things were like back in Jesus's time. I wonder what His day looked like knowing surly He didn't look up at the sun managing His time, then checking His list of "to do's" for the day strategizing how to fit it all in...I feel certain when He was stopped by someone along His way who was in need, He didn't ask if He could schedule another time to meet because He was running late...I wonder what He must be thinking looking down over us, watching us go through OUR day. His birds eye view of our daily struggles with each challenge faced, each heart ache, each failure or day gone wrong...watching to see which tools we choose to solve them...I have this picture in my mind of Him shaking His head in wonderment as to why we would go through SO much trouble, exhausting ourselves in such a way when He has offered us every tool in the shed! HIS tools right there at our disposal within arms reach! A simpler life, much different than the distraction of our much heftier worldly life.

I have had so many life altering experiences on this journey, I'm not sure I will ever be able to count them all. Some positive, others not so much but all with incredible growth that has etched a permanent imprint of the vine & the branches spoken repetitively during moms service, so symbolic of the woman she was the things she treasured so much in her life. I have had "ah ha" moments as the picture of one of my blogged "tree stories" pops in my mind as I reflect on so many of the happenings these past 3+ months reminiscent of branches attached to a mighty trunk, leaves offering protection, certainty... seasons, growth...the bark like road maps of a story with so many twist & turns...a life well lived...a life cut short...

The day I had too choose exploratory surgery which would most likely leave mom with an unfortunate quality of life OR make her comfortable, I was struck by more than just the reality of how awful that moment was, how wrong it was to be making such a decision for my mother. After CAT Scan the surgeon came to speak with me saying, "Im sorry for the rush but your mom is extremely sick, we need to make a decision & you have 3 minutes to decide what to do..." He explained things to me, mom was awake listening but she was septic, unable to keep up with the conversation as she was in too much pain. She rested there between us eyes wide but looking more like a spectator watching an intense tennis match at the US Open than one hearing & understanding the horrible decision I was faced with making on her behalf! Before the doctor left to prepare for surgery he looked me square in the eye & said what no person ever wants to hear "you need to tell your mom anything you want her to know, say everything you need to say, just in case you don't get another chance..." I said "there is no way I'm going in there & talk to her like she's gonna die, do you know how scary that would be?" He said "she is so sick... I'd rather she be mad at you now & know you said it & work it out later than have any regret..." 

Regret. Regret. Hmmm. The nurse took me by the shoulders & said "would you have any regret?"

How many times have you had cause to pause long enough to question if you are living intentionally? The reality of appreciating each day, taking advantage for we may not have tomorrow...make sure you have said what you need to say because you never know...on this journey alone I have seen & experienced way more than most at my age, some of which most will thankfully never whiteness in their lifetime but being present to express ones heart in their final hours surly crosses every human mind at one time or another. What would I say? Would I have time to say everything & what if I forget something...Many of you have been there, you have your own stories...I have feared being in a positions such as this, having 3 minutes to pack in 39 years of thank you's & I'm sorry's, I shoulda's...

"Think LESS. LIVE more"

Will I regret she asks me? Immediately i say "NO. No I will not. She knows exactly how I feel. I have always told her exactly how I feel, how thankful I have always been...I have always said how sorry I am when I have wronged as well..." I went on "in fact I always always tell her that I'd give anything to be even a quarter of the mother & friend she has always been to me, to my girls...& just before knee surgery I told her again..." WOW! I stopped in my own amazement. A huge peace washed over me...a realization i never saw coming. I had nothing! Nothing at all to say. How could that be? Sure I was devastated & sad, scared beyond measure, the tears were abundant but the words were not. I went to be by her side while they got things ready for surgery & held her hand...I told her how much I loved her & assured her the tears were solely due to all that she had & continued to endure & that I was so sad for her but was there & would never leave her side, that I needed her, the girls needed her...

In the days that followed surgery & then her death I think about that so so much. Guilt accompanying the reality of "are you REALLY living intentionally?" There is no doubt we need to slow down, evaluate what's truly important, do better BUT we waste so much time beating ourselves up for thinking were not living intentionally enough, worrying or putting things off because it's overwhelming or scary but have you ever considered that JUST maybe you might be living more intentionally than you think? That living in a world that is fighting like mad, day & night to make you more like everyone else is actually blinding you from the truth & simplicity that Jesus has provided? 

"My peace I give to you, not as the world gives to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." 

~ John 14:27.  

See I believe His day was far simpler, not so full of details, world static, rules, regulations & SHOULDS! It wasn't about all the trying! No, He just got up before the sun & He prayed, He filled himself & then He just went. "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house & went off to a solitary place, where he prayed." ~ Mark 1:35. He did what He did & loved because that's what He did & He didn't have to think about it or ask himself if He was living intentionally...He just was. 

We take so much time in the trying instead of slowing down long enough to simply BE. When we take the time to BE, He enables us to see things more clearly offering far more hope, peace & not regret! Yes, evens in the throws of treacherous storms & damaging winds. Mercy. Grace. His GRACE the same Grace that IS sufficient enough for you & for me. What an awesome thing He offered me on one of the worst days of my life. Though there is no doubt we can say more, do better, be better LIVE. MORE . INTENTINIALLY. But it doesn't have to be so complicated, so heavy, so full of guilt or additions to a list that is already far too long...what a relief that was for me. BE first. BE more often. Be.

 "Pray Gods agenda, not your's" ~ Matt 6:9-13.  

As I continue to make it one day at a time I have little left in me BUT to cling to JUST BEing...with He who offers me a fresh new day...to continue "chewing" on the many experiences....the whole lesson on that day was the realization of the not having to TRY so hard to live intentionally! The world tends to focus so much on the negative, where we fall short & doesn't acknowledge the true blessing of simplicity, slowing down...of just BEing! Though we have many short comings & are ever so undeserving, we must pick up our cross daily, keep our eyes focused, unwilling to waver at all that we may face knowing He is faithful...we are by Him living a more intentional life! Don't beat yourself up for not living intentionally enough, extend yourself Grace for the intention you are already living!

Sarah