I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, Blair wouldn't answer my
questioning and once I turned around and met her sad eyes I knew just
why.
Broken.
Her eyes told me way more than her mouth was capable of expressing and it stung me right down to my vary core...
so broken...
She had been wearing the festive deer antlers that were found in Gands
Christmas decorations, the ones that my mother for so many years
carefully placed on Amazing Graces head covering her long ago damaged
horns. Most know the significance of mothers special giraffe "Amazing
Grace" with her leather fashioned horns that were damaged in shipment to
Vardens, the boutique she once owned in my great great grandfathers old
pharmacy. Those silly dress up antlers were Gands and somehow they were
broken...Blair couldn't even form the words, reviling the culprit which
had poured that ever so thoughtless salt on a wound that she was so
determined to triage all by herself...determined that denial would
somehow be most successful...
broken she was...
This year more than any other, I have such awareness of my desperate
need to cling to each and every thing that makes me feel close to my
mother. So often little silly, dumb stuff, junk even? It's really not
the stuff if we're really being honest...For some crazy reason my
thoughts were geared toward the idea that through all the pains and
heart ache, my writings would sooner rather than later draw not from the
utter anguish & despair of not having my mother, my best friend
here this Christmas, but more so on a plethora of other topics that the
Lord would so graciously lay upon my heart and filter through my
hand...somehow that doesn't seem to be the case...the pressure that IS
felt heavily upon the spaces that make up my heart are etched by Him and
can only stem from the broken places, those sometimes hidden hurts
tucked away in the crevasses of the heart, waiting their turn for the
busting out to begin once the building gets to be too much...it's so
much bigger than what you are capable of warding off on your own...
After moms death, the girls teachers recognizing their broken hearts
daily, knowing the girls were "not quite themselves" offered great
advice,
"statistics have shown that constantly having things to look forward to
during great loss and grieving are monumental in the daily survival of
those who have lost loved ones...from little things like game night or
getting ice cream, to bigger things like vacations and holidays..."
With the holidays so quickly approaching my mind began to race,
organizing the ideas bouncing about in my head with a mission of having
something, anything to set in stone to look forward to ~ and it had to
be set today! "Dressing" up a time that will surly be a challenge to
face...offering a temporary peace thinking I had created the best "fix"
possible in this sort of situation...
Since the morning of August 3rd when mom went to dance in the streets of
heaven on those magic knees, I have been preparing myself & my
family for the road ahead, for the difficulty that the future without
mom, Gand, most certainly would bring...Christmas most specifically
would be THE big one in a sea of endless "firsts" and countless life
"adjustments"... My heart first responded with "nope, no Christmas thank
you so much, not for us this year, I simply cannot." Oh how
unrealistic, it was coming whether I like it or not...HE IS COMING and
you better make room in your Inn! In preparation for such a guest, the
plan was to do things different than years past, "dress it up, decorate"
the things that put a hole in my heart and a pit in my stomach....make
it so NOT like the Christmas's of past, to keep the things so familiar
and the "like last year's" at arms length so as not to feel quite the
intensity of the flame if not standing right there beside it... Not a
bad plan at all BUT my advice, "dressing things up" is helpful but leave
the "mask" off allowing the obvious the air it needs... it's far better
to have what's lurking beneath in plane site, removing the surprise
Jack In The Box reminder from popping up, startling you repeatedly when
you least expect it!
"Dressing" Christmas up in survival gear is in no way dismissing the joy
to come from the arrival of such a savior, the king of all kings born
in Bethlehem...., no just desperately clinging to His promises, staying
the course the best I can...doing just as Mary & Joseph did,
determine to find a place to lay their head, bring the most precious of
lives into this world, for YOU, for ME...no matter there not being any
room at the inn...
It did not change the storyline nor will it change the coming of THE one
who would save us all...it did not break them...so we mustn't let it
break us...
It was really crazy how writing sort of showed up on my doorstep a
couple of years ago, not long after my accident, surgery and traumatic
nerve injury...I truly have never been a writer and am certain my
teachers would vouch for that! It's funny the side effects that result
from such brokenness. As I look into Blairs sad eyes that day, I am
catapulted back to that rough patch in my life, a patch that I still
continue to recover from and never cease to reflect on, all the
adjusting, learning, REFINING that was ignited and continues to grow as
His never ending love for me burns, His hands so carefully doing the
fashioning which became so heightened and obvious "Refine me Lord through the flame...". I learned that I
could no longer tend to my own wounds, deny or try and "pull it
together" on my own nor can Blair as she is so determined to do sitting
there with tears spilling over...we have to have Him for the mending,
there is no other way... so incredibly painful, physically yes! but
often emotionally more strangling and spiritually so much grater than I
could have ever imagined...Nothing, nothing compares to THIS void, this
loss. "One of the most important relationships we have is the relationship we have with our mothers" This one is in a category of its own...such significance in the
mending process... All which make for clinging even tighter for His
offerings which are THE only thing that will make us truly whole. Taking
our piece to Him "Just As We Are" so that HE can fix us! How amazing is
that! "He WILL BE Our Peace." ~ Micah 5:5
Despite the greatness of your pain, your losses or the challenges that
haunt, it's still coming! HE IS COMING! The holidays, the
"firsts"...it's ok to hold on so tightly to that which offers you
comfort, the things that have filled you along life's way, it offers
strength for the healing...there may not be room at the inn, but this
baby IS coming and He saved you and He saved ME... His coming doesn't
change our realities or cover up all the hurt that resides beneath, it
reminds us of His mercy and never ending love... That He is
constant...It reminds us that we don't have to decorate that which needs
mending in hopes that the hurt will be more manageable. He will sustain
us, comfort & love us, direct & guide...offer hope & Grace ~
Grace! Oh how delicious you are oh Heavenly Father! He is sure, not
just during the holidays or periods of time..always & forever..."...and
after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has
called you to eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm,
strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10
Christmas
Eve service was way more brutal than I could have ever anticipated.
It's vital to surround yourself with those who love and support you,
offer aid in the survival process...As Christmas Eve has now faded into
Christmas morning we rejoice for a child is born! My heart is heavy as
Brooke runs to me with excitement this morning, "mommy, mommy, what do
you think Gand got for Christmas? What do you think she's up to
today??" I miss my mother so much. "I wonder what Piglet is doing," Thought Pooh. "I wish I were there to be doing it too." ~Winnie The Pooh Thinking back to last Christmas is
painful. My in laws were able to join us in KY for the first time and we had such an amazing time...I
can still hear moms voice, her laughter in the living room like it was
just yesterday...I never would have imagined it would be the last of so
so many special Christmas's I was fortunate enough to spend with my
mother..."A year ago, I would've never pictured my life the way it is now" It's no secret death is difficult on everyone, most never know
what to say but recently I think it was said best..."wow, what a lucky
girl you are! I am so sorry for your loss but feel so happy for you that
you were able to have had such a wonderful mother, such a unique
relationship which makes missing her so unbearable."
