Who God Made Me ~ Another Look Back

August 2014

"I am confident in who God made me, but certain I couldn't do this life ~ or be brave ~ on my own".  

  ~ Annie Downs 

My right mind tells me that God  Will. Not. Leave. Me. That I'll be ok, that I can do this. I just don't WANT to do this! 

I was certain it was THE time when the call came. It was late Sat. night & I had been home from the hospital an hour & had dozed off to sleep along side my sweet little bodies who had been waiting up for me. Their enthusiastic "hello" desperate to wash away the pain & anguish that was taking its tole on my body was refreshing yet honestly, this was a job that could only be accomplished by Gods so graceful hands. Upon every arrival through the doors of our home found the promise of love, safety & among many other things HUGS! The kind that doesn't let go...my urgent need is to change, take a shower & truly rid myself of the day before giving way to what I needed so desperately. Reminds me of the old commercial "shampoo, rinse, repeat...". A special friend in Tyler, TX shared this story with me after my accident/knee surgery a few years ago...I really like it... 

 

"There are going to be bad days during this journey...days when the pain is more than you can bear. Days when the sadness seems to be a low flying cloud that is sitting on top of you...days you just need to cry!" She says, "don't fight it! Fill the tub full of warm water & get in. CRY your eyes out &  have the biggest pity party, cry as long as the water is warm. When the water cools, start pulling yourself back together. Open the drain &  stay sitting in the tub until the last bit of water is gone & let everything go down the drain with the water...Get out, dry your eyes, dry yourself & get back in the fight!" 

I've never been a "It could be worse" person, so hearing this sounded fitting because for me this sort of thing works, it doesn't erase the facts, it doesn't lessen the anguish, the heart broken &  destroyed...for me I need to get things out, give way so that I can push forward & fight some more. At this point however, I'd be beyond pruned! I do not believe we should wallow, however I strongly believe everyone deserves the right to feel what they are feeling, validate what's happening & respect the pain so that you CAN get back in there & fight another day! 

We were shocked to come around the corner that early Sunday morning to be greeted by moms nurse Melanie, relief in her eyes she says "I am so sorry to have called so late but it was looking dim, her condition rapidly worsened & I didn't think we...we were able to stabilize her just in the last 10 min..." Pretty sure Kay & I were white as a ghost with bright red tired eyes...Melanie fill me in, let me know the plan for the rest of the night & pull some chairs for us to try & find rest in what little they had to offer. It was a long morning of treatments, adjustment "buzzing around" as mom would say ~ she didn't like "buzzing". Around 4 am they moved her, with great difficulty as she simply refused to stay consistently stable, long enough to move to the room we had been waiting for in Surgical ICU. They were forced to bag her the whole way...The "buzzing" like a well oiled machine, activity of nurses who continue to amaze &  function solely on experience & knowledge ~ teamwork AND clearly friendship only one can fashion in such an environment. I found laughter watching them take over for Melanie who was rapidly trying to "chart". so much reporting to take care of in order to move her to her new room ~ teamwork. So efficient yet comical in nature, appropriately in this kind general way that mom would have LOVED if she weren't under paralytic control, medications &  tubes...tho she just may have enjoyed those voices for all we know! 

Mom's rapid transportation to "the towers" beat Kay &  I by a long shot, so grateful I was by their quickness & ability to function under such intense emergent circumstances...the room in the new hospital took my breath away & begged for the ability to go back in time, change time...so reminiscent of June 17th, the beginning of this journey, exhaustion like nothing I had ever experienced was setting in & taking over. The ability to truly process way bigger than my brain could wrap around. I had no choice but to give way even if just for a quick moment to knock the edge off.  I resided there bedside, Kay side in yet another all too familiar hospital recliner. By 7 a.m. The team made their appearance, pure fatigue in their eyes too yet not missing a beat or leaving any stone unturned. Chest tubes needed, 2 chest tubes needed to be inserted in hopes that her condition, which had rapidly gone from bad to worse, could be turned around. All efforts were being made but it just wasn't working in our favor. 

It wasn't to be that 3rd day in August. 7 days ago today my worst nightmare became a reality. By 7 a.m. The team arrived ready to stay the course, leave no stone unturned but the fact was, her condition had gone from bad to worse & we were loosing ground...she had maxed out 4 pressures (blood pressure meds)  as well as the vent on 100% oxygen with stats dropping. It was obvious that IF something miraculous were to happen & she could make a positive turn, her quality of life wouldn't be what she had wanted, at least not for a vary long time. 

I have been in the position of making life or death decisions during this journey 1 too many times...my fear was being faced with another, THE biggest of them all... I prayed that God would spare me, that mom would spare me...that His will would be done...and it ultimately was. 

Before Chris could get there the nurse came in & let me know that she was really slowing down & she didn't think it would be much longer. She urged me to come be with her...there I stood holding her swollen hand...she looked nothing like mom, that bright smile & sparkle BUT peaceful nestled beneath the puffy "bear huger" (inflatable blanket to keep her warm & bring her temp up) like a bird nesting safely with its mama. I began to talk, thanking her repetitively for the amazing mother she had always been to me, reiterating as I often did that I would count myself the most blessed if I could even be a quarter of the woman, mother & friend she has always been to me...I asked her to watch over me, guide me & help me to be a better wife & mom...we shared some other things before one of the most special moments took flight. My sobbing lessened enough for me to compose myself & say, "...so listen,it's time... I want you to go now, take those magic knees & get up there! Go dance in the streets in heaven & show'em how it's done! Leave the pain behind & just go...I love you so much...it's ok, you can go..." And just like that, she peacefully was gone.  

"I am confident in who God made me, but certain I couldn't do this life ~ or be brave ~ on my own".  

  ~ Annie Downs 

I know that God will not give me more than I can handle...I know that HE alone will help me survive this no matter how excruciating, how impossible it feels nor the fact that at any given time I'm certain that I cannot take another breath...I have never missed my mother more, I've never wanted so badly to call her &  tell her of my distress, my pain &  know she will fix it...I know, she's always with me...but I need her literally with me...I don't want to do this... But guess what? I have to. So the tears will continue &  the road will the the most treacherous yet, but by faith I will look to Him & latch on to His understanding & promise... 

Your never ending love, support & prayers mean more than words can express. I need them now more than ever so please keep up the kindness as I face a long road of settling moms affairs once services are past & the dust begins to settle...I cannot thank each & every one of you enough & so hope I will have the opportunity to thank you in person! Much Love!

In HIM,

Sarah

Looking Back #2 ~ "Moving Day"

“BE PREPARED TO SUFFER FOR ME, in My Name. All suffering has meaning in My Kingdom. Pain & problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely – even thanking Me for them-is one of the highest forms of praise…When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign & that I can bring good out of everything…accept adversity in My Name, offering it up to Me for My purposes. Thus your suffering gains meaning & draws you closer to Me. Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust & thankfulness. “ ~ Jesus Calling

Blair was only 4 months old when we decided to move back to Texas. Living on 5 acres with all its wide open space, the peace, the quiet that always amazed me because you felt so far away from the rest of the world yet you were in city limits! A lot of memories were fashioned in that house, so much growth…I had been so excited to plan out the babies room, anxiously ready to get started not long after getting word that we would be having our first child in June! I remember the walk up to the house as we brought our brand new baby girl home from the hospital! Mom beaming at the door awaiting our arrival, she in her usual self had worked hard, carefully preparing for this day, cleaning & organizing, making sure everything was just right when that long awaited day came! So many memories fashioned in that house…

The day the movers came I remember sitting in the middle of Blair’s bedroom, the room that we worked so hard decorating, where many a diapers were changed…where the rocking chair clicked back n forth in its rhythmical way as I held that 5 lb. 15 oz. baby at 3 a.m. offering comfort…I sat there like a child myself “crisscross applesauce” smack dab in the middle of her room & sobbed! My heart breaking wide open with all it’s contents slowly seeping out all over the place…How could I possibly walk away from our first house? The house that our first child came to....the room where that sweet girl drifted off to sleep night after night...With walls that offered our family protection through many a storms & rejoiced with all the "firsts", all the love that was shared there…and the countless holidays...As much as I wanted to move on to the next chapter, the thought of leaving it all behind was way too hard, too sad. Every crevice of the place housed so many special times...

Mom was always good at talking things out with me, encouraging me to see things from different directions …As if it were yesterday I remember her saying, “I know you are sad but so much awaits you all, new memories to be made…it’s natural & ok to be sad, but the memories that have been made in this house do not reside in the walls!  They are not things to be left behind, they are memories that you take with you, you carry them in your heart wherever you go, never leaving a single one behind.” She was so right, no matter the countless good-byes & moves that proceeded. 

We have worked incredibly hard going through moms apartment,packing her things & re-homing the things she enjoyed, held so dear. As you can imagine it has been brutal, heartbreaking & at times to much for one soul to bare... but healthy...necessary. Today & tomorrow begin the excruciating task of wrapping things up at her place. The movers will come Tuesday, most of her things packed up, her apartment bare, lacking all the color & life that resided on the walls of the place mom loved, her home. The dreaded time is nearing where the keys will be handed over & a final goodbye will take place as we close the door one last time with the reality that we no longer can just “go over to moms”.  The hollow echo as we shuffle around her place moving boxes about, bags of trash to go out..,"memories do not reside in these walls...they reside in the people, in our hearts to forever hold close..." Getting this part of her affairs will allow us to breathe a little more, to slow down a bit, to have an opportunity to start really grieving. A whole brand new time of reality & grieving. There is still SO much for me to do in handling her affairs but making sure her belongings are on a new journey touching, blessing someone else’s life will be a huge relief. I will be tempted to cling to the walls of that Morgan Street home, cling to the holidays spent around her table, the Easter Egg hunts in the back yard, the laughter, the tears…all the joy that was found in every destination she called home. There will no longer be a place to go to where my mother once sat reading her book or working on a project, watching her favorite show or selflessly living on me, on her grandchildren. There are no more “off to run another car load of boxes”…Realizing there would no longer be a place to go to that was HERS, where I could feel as close as I possibly could to my mother… I know she would surly remind me though, that she won’t be residing in those walls on Morgan Street, no she will be found in the bright smiles of her grandchildren, in  Shiner dog who offers us light and in the legacy that she has left…always, always, those memories will dig their roots deep down into our hearts,into so many she has touched & loved. “

…BE WILLING TO FOLLOW wherever I lead. Follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you do not know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of site but nonetheless very real…” ~ JC

I must hold tight to HIS promises, to He who continues to hold me up, carry me through the most difficult time of my life when so often it would be easier to lay down...He who never fails to fill air into my lungs with each sunrise, assuring that He will never, ever leave me!

I miss you more than words could ever express mom...I'd give anything to sit with you a while in that livingroom like we have done so many times,...to hunt eggs in you yard and OH how I'd pay good money to wrap my arms around your neck & hear your infamous  "a-p-p-l-e Pie" honk as you drive away. I love you mom!

In HIM,

Sarah

I always love hearing your insights, your stories & how God is working in your life so please feel free to share in the comment section below...you never know how it may impact another!!

Reality ~ Looking Back

"Hold My Hand, and walk joyously with Me through this day. Together we will savor the pleasures & endure the difficulties it brings...I am your Guide, as well as your constant Companion. I know every step of the journey ahead of you, all the way to heaven..." ~ Jesus Calling

The services have passed, a wonderful, wonderful 4 days spent with THE best of the best! Friends & family from close by or who have traveled from afar have meant more to me than words could ever try to express. So many times you all heard me comment on my thankfulness that my mother had some special friends, many of whom are & have always been "second moms" to me & my brother for as long as I can remember! Moms friends, those who love her so & all consider her one of their "best friends" never cease to amaze me! I stay incredibly overwhelmed, as I have pretty much from the beginning, by the incredible outpouring of love & devotion to my mother AND ME! To our whole family! Wow! Your healing hands, messages, cards & letters offer me continued comfort far more than you will ever know! Seeing the mail man makes things brighten a bit for me as his record, so stellar these past 3 months, offers me "hugs" nestled deep in that mailbag of paper! You all have really spoiled me! Your words, endless encouragement that are so desperately needed, will be needed for a long time to come...words my mother would have offered when tending to my ever so painful wounds...her incredible ability to offer healing with those beautiful glass blue eyes, warm smile & gentle way of offering advice that I may or may not want to hear at the time...it really didn't matter, I could feel her loving me & that was all that would really matter...

I would have paid good money for it Monday...everyday really! I have been anticipating the "setting in" that was inevitably making its way closer & closer...the time when denial packed up its bags & went on its way but not before leaving a pathway, preparing a guest room for its buddy REALITY to push right through our front door, dropping all it's luggage right there in the living room floor & exclaiming "wahoo, I'm Heeere!!! Let's get this show on the road!" 

"Today is one of those days when I wish I was a little girl & could climb into my mother's lap & cry until the hurt goes away"

Blanton, Julie & Collier were set to leave that afternoon, a time I had been dreading with everything I had in me, ok well since the day Julie arrived 2 weeks ago! I have this bad habit of "stealing trouble from tomorrow" so I pretty much had a pit in my stomach every time the thought of her leaving day crossed my brain. I really, really need to kick that habit & focus on enjoying each moment while I'm in it but how can you when you have SO many people in your life that make you feel... 

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" ~ Winnie the Pooh 

We offered tears & waves on the driveway, Blair begging for them not to go... Mom always makes things feel better if she were here...she would have stollen the "yuck" from earlier in the day at the bank, the awfulness that was filling spaces in my heart while working on accounts, making arrangements & tending to the "must take care of's" that we're weighing me down...In the world I prefer I could just call & her voice would stop the "crazy" of emotions from various tasks that we're making your world spin out of control. REALITY! The reality was, she can no longer offer that to me here on earth. There is no calling mom on the phone to fix things or talk them out, there is no reaching out to hold HER hand or offer a hug on HER otherwise "yuck" kind of day...thankfully she no longer has "yuck" days but I sure do! For now, day after day! How can this be that one of my "first responders" (the people on ur list u go to first in need - just so u know this in no way discounts my husband! It's a different deal!) one of the people that make all the spinning stop, is the person making all the spinning happen! Yikes!! That's not a senerio we went over! Now, I am aware of how this whole process goes, " it'll get better",  I'll make it with all the tools she instilled in me & such loving bodies that reside around me, "it takes time"...I'll be ok? Eventually...! But guess what? I still don't want to do this! I'll never want to & I don't want to wait to see her again! All things I know God is SO accustomed to hearing!

It reminds me of 6 years ago when we had to re-home my dogs before Brooke was born, as many of you know, it was down right HORRIBLE & devastating! Awful! The boys were everything to me! They had lived through many a breeding seasons by my side & never failed me...Mom loved those dogs just the same, knitted them Christmas stalkings that I still have (Thanks Katie Haag!)...it was a bad deal but we had no choice, we had to let them go. In my grief Chris offered something I myself would have said, "I know it's hard now but I promise it will get better in time & won't hurt quite as much, doesn't help now but it it will get better...it also doesn't change how much you love them" My pain & hurt over losing them has never gotten better since that day on the curb! I may handle it better but it still hurts the same & REALITY tells me this is a way bigger beast than any I have ever battled in my entire life! Reality tells me that this pain & loss will never get better in time...but 

by the Grace & Mercy of a Lord so much bigger than anything any of us can fathom,  I will simply just handle it differently. 

I am pretty sure the other members of this dreadful new club I am now in feel the same, how could anyone possibly understand, especially with a relationship like ours? Yes others feel loss just as I have but has anyone known or experienced a relationship as such me & my mother? I pray with everything God has given me, that my girls will quickly respond "YES!!" One day - soon! The fact is, Jesus himself suffered the ultimate, He alone knows far more about this than any of us, as did Mary there at the foot of the cross. I cannot fathom her anguish watching her son hang there from those nails. For you. For me. For mom & so many others so that we might have life everlasting...so that we could cross each other's paths, be blessed SO by one another, so that we could over flow a church by 400 people, so that we could love SO deeply that the hurt from loss makes us physically sick...so that one day when all the pain & despair that floods thru right at this moment will one day all seem like nothing as I wrap my arms around moms neck ...

“Thus might I hide my blushing face while His dear cross appears —  dissolve my heart in thankfulness, and melt mine eyes to tears…."

My pain & suffering pale in comparison to the suffering & torture He endured to give us life, He died so that we may have life. I am reminded deeply that I must pick up my cross EVERY single day without fail, its vital!  Even on days such as these when it simply feels too overwhelming, too heavy...but His promise will carry me...

Luke 9:23 – And he said to [them] all, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.

That while I hurt in a way I cannot describe, it is even more reason that the details of His death must linger constantly in my mind, at all times for without His sacrifice, we would be nothing. I often share snip it's from Ann Voscamp & a few other blogs, including my own...I love this statement from Ann Voscamps blog: 

"Take your broken heart, your shattered heart, and give thanks for the heart of God who bleeds with yours and this is how your broken, dis-membered heart is re-membered – when you remember to count the ways He loves. Count, like you’re taking your own pulse, like you’re determined to keep breathing...give thanks for Him in the midst of an almost hell, and your dis-membered heart re-members.."......For you. For all your regrets and for all your impossibles, for all that will never be and for all that once was, for all that you can’t make right and for all that you got wrong, for your Judas failures and your Peter denials and your Lazarus griefs, I offer to take the nails, the sharp edge of everything, and offer you myself because I want you, to take you, you in your wild grief, you in your anger and your disappointment and your wounds and your not-yet-there, you, just as you are, not some improved version of you, but you – I came for you, to hold you, to carry you, to save you.”

...and so, with my teary face toward Jesus I thank Him for mom and for life everlasting...with her...with Chris & the girls...with so many others I hold so dear...

...for if He hadn't loved us so much despite all our shortcomings, we wouldn't be so fortunate to meet again...

Thank you all for continuing to follow me! 

With so much love!

Sarah