Path Of My Choosing

...You are on the path of MY choosing. There is no randomness about your life......Every moment is alive with my Glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine... (Jesus Calling)
 
I hope your sky is as blue, the grass as green & the sun is as bright as what I see out my window! I am so thankful for days like these. Everyday really, but a beautiful spring day does something to the heart...especially when the body that protects it is working so hard to shut the pain out. Days like these don't make the pain go away, they don't lessen the burden but they certainly help fill "those places in the brain where pain loves to go". Today John & I surprised Blair & showed up to have lunch with her at school. I woke up feeling pretty bad & considered going another day but couldn't wait! I knew it would be special & fun, but had no idea the distraction would make such a difference, even if only for about 20 min. Seeing her eyes light up, happy to see us, her friends all fighting for a spot to sit at the table with us as if we were celebrities! So fun! 

The road for Blair continues to be a bumpy one but I THINK, I think we may have really gotten somewhere this time, hit some answers this week. I was beginning to grow discouraged & defeated until Tuesday. A good, productive visit, a new plan of action is in place & we are both feeling encouraged. I feel deep down something is coming, something good but like all things, the hard work must be done first! I am excited as our homework is to read "The Giving Tree" together! Classic! This silly accident has caused so much trouble, has caused pain in so many ways. So much heart ache has come BUT growth, growth is slowly showing it’s blooms as these spring days become more certain & faithful! It's so amazing how God tends to His garden, pulling the weeds, eliminating the unhealthy stuff, fertilizing, nurturing... cultivating His soil....for what will be, no doubt, a rich & plentiful garden full of fresh new growth, bright peddles, new hope! “…It’s in the in-between that the real magic happens. The seeds are planted, the roots take hold…and we blossom into who we were meant to be…” Continue to lift her, we feel your prayers & love!

For me? We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.  Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 
2 Corinthians 4:8-10(NLT)

We had a quick but great visit with Phil & Nancy last week! God was REALLY looking out for me! In hind site, I was doing better pain wise & can now remember cautiously thinking to myself, "Hmmm, MAYBE I am getting a hair better? Something might be working? I have been able to do better for their visit...this is good!" Unfortunately that was short lived. The days that followed have been by far the worst, most painful, upsetting & sad days I would experience since I learned of this illness. The past 5 days I have been surprised by my sudden inability to do simple things, “Some days...in an effort to pull at least one thing together, Lipstick...was all she could do..." not being able to weight bear in a more dramatic way, not being able to walk steps, bend over... which Chris can attest to in his quick stops by the house, you can read it in his eyes, the mix of confusion & compassion... watching my role as "actor extraordinaire" shift, my eyes fill with tears, I haven't been able to come close to faking it...tears streaming as I got caught half way up the stairs the other day & couldn't step up or down, something that hasn't been this extreme before...It was scary sitting there unsure of how I would go up or down...just crying...”Wrapping her arms around her torso she held tight to keep her heart from falling out…” then feeling Blair's little arm around my shoulder squeezing ME in for a change saying, "it's ok mom, it's ganna be ok...". Have I ever mentioned Old Soul? I don't think I have ever been in a place of physically NOT being able to "suck it up", push though because that's what I do, I'm a mom....recently, I think I emotionally find myself in a state of shock & fear at the reality when my girls or Chris find me where I lay (meaning, I couldn't go any further so I just went down where I was for a rest, or a meltdown, even if just for a few min., then you get up & go again, if & when you can!) & say, "hey, what cha doin? are you ok? pain is bad huh? im sorry...". BUT as my mother has always said, This too shall pass, and it will! By GRACE! Isn't that wonderful??

Tuesday (of last week) I went back to the dr. My PT had already been in touch, evidently she too was concerned after seeing me the day before in which I could do minimal PT. As always, he was incredibly encouraging, stating that I wasn't any worse but he had hoped that my pain would be down. The med isn't doing much & we think there is a cyst behind my left knee so not sure if that's contributing. Nut shell, based on his evaluation/exam, we made the decision to do a diagnostic nerve block above (block & steroids) & to the inside of my left knee. The nerve runs all the way down through the bottom of my foot. I’m not sure of the wordage & such & won't go into details (although you are welcome to ask if you'd like more detail I am happy to explain!) not the most fun thing I have ever done BUT helpful & informative evidently. Whole new understanding to how our young children feel after their big shots. He said I'd be sore like having Tetanus & boy was he right! He feels like we might be dealing more with a Stage II RSD (more direct traumatic nerve injury) than Stage I but it seems to be improving slightly. There is neuropathy & appears to be additional nerve damage & possibly other underlying issues that have been overshadowed by the RSD which sort of explains the pain level.  It's all a lot of info. & I come out over stimulated BUT incredibly hopeful in regards to my doctor & his ability to get me well ~ one day? Which is said even through tears of pain!! Thankfully the doctor was able to catch Chris on the phone to update him as there was no way to regurgitate it to him myself & they could have a much more successful medical conversation in half the time! There is still no way to know how far we are from remission, it feels like an eternity...“Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn’t happen. Something better does…”from getting this pain under control, it's a slow process unfortunately. Small victories press forward. “Who are we to say that things aren’t happening exactly as they need to happen?” The current medicine causes such strong side effects, which is really unusual, especially being such a low dose, that he didn't feel comfortable upping the dosage because the side effects would be so overboard for me that Id really be a mess. SO he is switching me to a different anti conversant & continuing the topical. Apparently there can be some pretty big side effects with this one too so it was a tossup as to when to start it with Derby coming this weekend & the reality that I could break out in some horrible rash or go loopy (we have a Derby Eve party)...Chris & I decided to chance it however b/c we don't want to waste a day of getting it into my system...If I do well by next week he'll take me off the old med. So....I ride my roller coaster, but not alone! I am thankful for you all who are willing to ride along beside me...whether peeks or valleys!  I do not know how people go through something like this w/o a doctor like the specialist I have been seeing. Having a physician assure you that he's never gonna say, "well, that's it, I'v done all I can, don't know what else to do, sorry...", is amazing & offers such comfort. How one can leave his office with no less pain than when arriving, only more hopeful, sure, confident that your physician is going it right there beside you too. Sincerely.

 I continue on this journey, “Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn’t happen. Something better does…” I think of the good God is churning thru all of this & pray for who or what I am being prepared for... “..Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken...but the courage required to grow strong in the broken places…”
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, friendship & prayers. You have no idea how much it means, how much you mean!

In HIM,
Sarah

...As you give yourself more & more to a life constant in communion with me, you will find that you have no time for worry... ...Thus you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to WALK along the path of peace.  (Jesus Calling)