Jack In The Box Christmas

I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, Blair wouldn't answer my questioning and once I turned around and met her sad eyes I knew just why.

Broken.

Her eyes told me way more than her mouth was capable of expressing and it stung me right down to my vary core...

so broken...

She had been wearing the festive deer antlers that were found in Gands Christmas decorations, the ones that my mother for so many years carefully placed on Amazing Graces head covering her long ago damaged horns. Most know the significance of mothers special giraffe "Amazing Grace" with her leather fashioned horns that were damaged in shipment to Vardens, the boutique she once owned in my great great grandfathers old pharmacy. Those silly dress up antlers were Gands and somehow they were broken...Blair couldn't even form the words, reviling the culprit which had poured that ever so thoughtless salt on a wound that she was so determined to triage all by herself...determined that denial would somehow be most successful...

broken she was...

This year more than any other, I have such awareness of my desperate need to cling to each and every thing that makes me feel close to my mother. So often little silly, dumb stuff, junk even? It's really not the stuff if we're really being honest...For some crazy reason my thoughts were geared toward the idea that through all the pains and heart ache, my writings would sooner rather than later draw not from the utter anguish & despair of not having my mother, my best friend here this Christmas, but more so on a plethora of other topics that the Lord would so graciously lay upon my heart and filter through my hand...somehow that doesn't seem to be the case...the pressure that IS felt heavily upon the spaces that make up my heart are etched by Him and can only stem from the broken places, those sometimes hidden hurts tucked away in the crevasses of the heart, waiting their turn for the busting out to begin once the building gets to be too much...it's so much bigger than what you are capable of warding off on your own...

After moms death, the girls teachers recognizing their broken hearts daily, knowing the girls were "not quite themselves" offered great advice,
"statistics have shown that constantly having things to look forward to during great loss and grieving are monumental in the daily survival of those who have lost loved ones...from little things like game night or getting ice cream, to bigger things like vacations and holidays..."

With the holidays so quickly approaching my mind began to race, organizing the ideas bouncing about in my head with a mission of having something, anything to set in stone to look forward to ~ and it had to be set today! "Dressing" up a time that will surly be a challenge to face...offering a temporary peace thinking I had created the best "fix" possible in this sort of situation...

Since the morning of August 3rd when mom went to dance in the streets of heaven on those magic knees, I have been preparing myself & my family for the road ahead, for the difficulty that the future without mom, Gand, most certainly would bring...Christmas most specifically would be THE big one in a sea of endless "firsts" and countless life "adjustments"... My heart first responded with "nope, no Christmas thank you so much, not for us this year, I simply cannot." Oh how unrealistic, it was coming whether I like it or not...HE IS COMING and you better make room in your Inn! In preparation for such a guest, the plan was to do things different than years past, "dress it up, decorate" the things that put a hole in my heart and a pit in my stomach....make it so NOT like the Christmas's of past, to keep the things so familiar and the "like last year's" at arms length so as not to feel quite the intensity of the flame if not standing right there beside it... Not a bad plan at all BUT my advice, "dressing things up" is helpful but leave the "mask" off allowing the obvious the air it needs... it's far better to have what's lurking beneath in plane site, removing the surprise Jack In The Box reminder from popping up, startling you repeatedly when you least expect it!

"Dressing" Christmas up in survival gear is in no way dismissing the joy to come from the arrival of such a savior, the king of all kings born in Bethlehem...., no just desperately clinging to His promises, staying the course the best I can...doing just as Mary & Joseph did, determine to find a place to lay their head, bring the most precious of lives into this world, for YOU, for ME...no matter there not being any room at the inn...

It did not change the storyline nor will it change the coming of THE one who would save us all...it did not break them...so we mustn't let it break us...
It was really crazy how writing sort of showed up on my doorstep a couple of years ago, not long after my accident, surgery and traumatic nerve injury...I truly have never been a writer and am certain my teachers would vouch for that! It's funny the side effects that result from such brokenness. As I look into Blairs sad eyes that day, I am catapulted back to that rough patch in my life, a patch that I still continue to recover from and never cease to reflect on, all the adjusting, learning, REFINING that was ignited and continues to grow as His never ending love for me burns, His hands so carefully doing the fashioning which became so heightened and obvious "Refine me Lord through the flame...". I learned that I could no longer tend to my own wounds, deny or try and "pull it together" on my own nor can Blair as she is so determined to do sitting there with tears spilling over...we have to have Him for the mending, there is no other way... so incredibly painful, physically yes! but often emotionally more strangling and spiritually so much grater than I could have ever imagined...Nothing, nothing compares to THIS void, this loss. "One of the most important relationships we have is the relationship we have with our mothers" This one is in a category of its own...such significance in the mending process... All which make for clinging even tighter for His offerings which are THE only thing that will make us truly whole. Taking our piece to Him "Just As We Are" so that HE can fix us! How amazing is that! "He WILL BE Our Peace." ~ Micah 5:5
Despite the greatness of your pain, your losses or the challenges that haunt, it's still coming! HE IS COMING! The holidays, the "firsts"...it's ok to hold on so tightly to that which offers you comfort, the things that have filled you along life's way, it offers strength for the healing...there may not be room at the inn, but this baby IS coming and He saved you and He saved ME... His coming doesn't change our realities or cover up all the hurt that resides beneath, it reminds us of His mercy and never ending love... That He is constant...It reminds us that we don't have to decorate that which needs mending in hopes that the hurt will be more manageable. He will sustain us, comfort & love us, direct & guide...offer hope & Grace ~ Grace! Oh how delicious you are oh Heavenly Father! He is sure, not just during the holidays or periods of time..always & forever..."...and after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." 1 Peter 5:10
 
Christmas Eve service was way more brutal than I could have ever anticipated. It's vital to surround yourself with those who love and support you, offer aid in the survival process...As Christmas Eve has now faded into Christmas morning we rejoice for a child is born! My heart is heavy as Brooke runs to me with excitement this morning, "mommy, mommy, what do you think Gand got for Christmas? What do you think she's up to today??"  I miss my mother so much. "I wonder what Piglet is doing," Thought Pooh. "I wish I were there to be doing it too." ~Winnie The Pooh   Thinking back to last Christmas is painful. My in laws were able to join us in KY for the first time and we had such an amazing time...I can still hear moms voice, her laughter in the living room like it was just yesterday...I never would have imagined it would be the last of so so many special Christmas's I was fortunate enough to spend with my mother..."A year ago, I would've never pictured my life the way it is now"  It's no secret death is difficult on everyone, most never know what to say but recently I think it was said best..."wow, what a lucky girl you are! I am so sorry for your loss but feel so happy for you that you were able to have had such a wonderful mother, such a unique relationship which makes missing her so unbearable."

A Proper Boat

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of ones soul remains unawakened."

I found this quote scribbled in mom's handwriting on a torn off piece of paper as I was looking through one of her boxes...it really made me smile thinking back on her love of ALL of our pets throughout the years. Most recently mom was roommates with what was originally my cat Scotch. Chris had gone far & beyond the call of duty to ensure that I would be the proud parent of that beautiful kitten when we started dating well over 15 years ago. Mom & dad let Scotch come "stay" with them one fall & somehow she never came home! In the years to follow she offered mom great companionship & comfort. We often joked at how she must sound conversating with Scotch in her apartment as if she were a person! The truth is, our pets offer far more enjoyment & security to our lives than we may give them credit for. Scotches oh so full & happy life sadly came to an end last spring which was difficult for mom but the idea of Scotch suffering would have been way harder on her. I can only imagine the reunion mom is having with ol Scotch girl now!

There is no doubt in my mind that God was an animal lover...There are around 120 different species of animals that are mentioned in the bible, I'm sure even more? In the story of Noah's Ark, God's heart had been filled with grief & pain over the earths corruption, man's wicked, evil ways which was His reasoning for bringing on the flood, to destroy corruption man had brought on the earth HE created. God tells Noah, who was a man known among his peers to be blameless & righteous, He said "I am going to bring flood waters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish."... (Genesis)

As the holiday season has swept right in like the 60 mile an hour winds outside my window this morning, I have a chuckle at the annoyance of a song that has been stuck in my head for quite some time now. I have had a rather popular tune dancing about in my mind & when the song softly rang in my ears it "ah ha'd" me, so overwhelmingly stilled me as it played in last Sunday's church service, "...Bowing here I find my rest, without you I fall apart, you're the one that guides my heart..." Shaking my head looking up to the ceiling thinking to the Lord, constantly amazed at how well He knows me...both of us aware of the chorus that will soon fall in the pattern of lyrics and how significant those lyrics are...

"Lord, I need you, Oh, I need you, every hour I need you..."

The floods of worldly heartache & pain reek havoc on so many hearts this time of year, playing the "old records" of that which hangs the distorted decorations of times in the past that made our world look so different, times that have paved the road for our today and make up that which we will be our future experiences....

Many people find that the most joyous time of year is also a time when they feel most like they are drowning...like the flood waters are rising faster than they can build a proper boat...In so many cases, this is a secret more people than not are keeping, wearing themselves out treading water, fearing their breath will be taken if their head should fall beneath the surface in a time where they should be singing praises of joy and thanksgiving. Would you believe that some of the seemingly happiest people, who often appear to be covered in strength, all put together, people are the most likely to be the ones most weighted down by the guilt, burden and the lonesome that comes during the holidays?

 " Lord, I need you, Oh, I need you, every hour I need you, my one defense, my righteousness, Oh, God how I need you..."

It's vital to remember the things that keep your boat afloat! By knowing the effort at which we struggle to keep OUR boats afloat, so can we relate to our brother who could use the help with their boat too! How the lonesome should lessen when going it "Two by Two"?!

 "Everyone is-in one way or another-fighting a hard battled....people for the most part, are doing the best they can with their resources and circumstances..."
~ Alexandra Stoddard

Let us be challenged to soften our hearts and be more forgiving of the hurts that threaten our boat, not only to that of others but more importantly, offer far more grace to ourselves!

"...be kind and patient with yourself...When you are struggling, be with loved ones who help you smile & laugh through your tears....Remember what heals you...know that others want to heal themselves too..." ~AS

What is it that brings the warmth into your heart? What is it that will make the holidays, the next hurdle more bearable? What warms your heart and eases your mind, covers your heart with peace and allows the love of another of Gods living souls to offer compassion and encouragement...what will help give YOU permission to offer it to yourself?

There are many a smiles, laughter & memories being made too during challenging times, reminiscing, comforting and encouraging are found...the miraculous found when people come together and love because that's what love does, it keeps on going...

It's ok to be sad or frightened by rough waters that may toss your boat about, BUT Gods promise is sure!

"But God remembered Noah & all the wild animals & livestock that were with him in the ark..."
 (Gen. 8:1)

The land became completely dry...

God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me & you & every living creature with you...I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me & the earth...never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life..." (Gen 9:12,13)

In the days before & after moms funeral there was talk of getting another dog. Blair had wanted a dog in the worst way & the time simply hadn't been right so she continued to ask & pray...It wasn't long after the services were over that we agreed the time was right, getting a dog would offer much light in a time of such darkness. I joked that mom sure must have hit the door running upon her arrival into heaven, she knew how much we wanted a dog & had so wanted one for us too!

As I look at Shiner with his silly, fun personality I feel Him constantly comfort me. Whether in Shiner's ability to always make us smile and laugh or when his sweet little face adorned with expressive eyebrows tilts in concern then carefully licks the tears from your checks as if to say, "it's ok please don't cry"...such a good puppy he has been, chewing only his own toys & learning all sorts of clever new dog tricks...of course he has a dogs number 1 quality of shaking that little nubby upon our arrival home and loving so unconditionally...relaxed by nature making him such a snuggle bug all to switch gears on a dime zipping and darting around the living room in his playful puppy way! If I could have a penny for every time I tell him, "mom would absolutely adore you, I mean just love you to bits!!".... I am picturing too of the remnance of moms red lipstick marks that would be left behind on shiners white mustache from the countless smooches she was known for offering her special canine companions! He comforts me.

"God sent angels down to earth in the form of dogs with notes saying don't judge, just love...they ate the notes but they keep trying to deliver the message"

So on this thankful day of days I set MY boat in the water in thanksgiving for so so much! For a mother who labored for me and helped fashion my own boat so that I would be prepared to sail it...NOT by myself but with those around me who love me and support me...with a mighty captain, His reminder of HOPE never far and His promises so true that it will be a beacon on one of my most difficult days.

"Lord, I need you, oh, I need you, every hour I need you...my one request, my righteousness, oh, God how I NEED YOU..."

May your hearts be filled with love and thanksgiving on this day, keeping the memory and love of those who have impacted us SO greatly at the forefront of our minds at all times and may we reach out and touch the lives of those who are sad, hurting, feeling forgotten or needing to feel the precedence of love and comfort.

I cannot begin to express my thankfulness to you, to so many for your love and support as I continue on this journey without my mother. You encourage and lift me more than you could ever know!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

In HIM,
Sarah


I always love to hear your feedback and/or experiences so please feel free to share in the comment section below!

Keep Looking For Sunshine

"MY PEACE is the treasure of treasures: the pearl of great price. It is an exquisitely costly gift, both for the Giver and the receiver. I purchased this Peace for you with My blood. You receive this gift by trusting Me in the midst of life's storms...."   ~ JC

The check list of 'firsts', the daily, sometimes hourly self reminders that I will survive this nightmare & find security in this new life I am having to learn to live marches onward. The first of many celebrations without her, the day that would have been moms 73rd Birthday, came & went with all its rightness...the best we could. I believe she would be humbled by the honoring of blues worn...her favorite color which always made her already bright & sparkly blue eyes even bluer! Gifting UK's 2MedICU that Sunday with birthday treats, thanking the oh so under appreciated nurses & staff who saved my mothers life & allowed mom to hug her grandchildren close a few more times. It takes such a special person to work the floor of the ICU, far more defeat than victory happens there yet they never cease the best possible care one could have, they press onward behind the walls of a building that houses a world of its own 24/7. Patient after patient, determined to make whole those precious lives, working hard to give them back to their families healed & headed home. With heavy hearts & flowing of tears it was heartbreaking yet comforting...feeling good with a mission to "gift" serve just as my mother would do, loving on those just as Christ loved us & gave himself for us...the gift was accomplished. Words were underlined in a book my mother gave me before her surgery,

 "...life is a celebration to be cherished in every stage...Happiness is always true when we are adding to the happiness of others..."

The afternoon spent similar to that of last year, celebrating casually, grilling hamburgers & relishing the companionship & love of sport with those she loved so much. Doing the things she enjoyed...I am certain I will never be able to wrap my brain around her absence, the idea that I can no longer feel the warmth of her hand, the sound of her voice much less no longer get to share in the sequil of a tradition she set on my 30th birthday which we had long dreamt to relive for my upcoming my 40th next month...the pain unbearable...

"and now my life ebbs away; days of suffering grip me. Night pierces my bones; my gnawing pains never rest. In his great power God becomes like clothing to me; he binds me like the neck of my garment." Job 30:16-18. Comfort can be found in the Fatherly way He engulfs us, covering us like a garment like a picture fashioned in my mind of that of a child given way to exhaustion nestled in "dress up", in the innocence of her fathers dress shirt...the arms far too long, a shirt yet more like a dress in its largeness wrapping numerous times around her snugly, coating her small frame with security & peace..."Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love" Laminations 3:32 

I reflect such a storyline, one altered by twists & turns, a roadmap of sorts, a path full of peeks n' valleys, that which make up the past 6 months & will surly pave the way, narrating the details of the future yet to come. So often unpredictable, reminiscent of the uncertainty of Mother Nature, reminiscent of the storms & tornadoes that blew in a few weeks ago reeking havoc on our homes & totaling cars...

My senses heightened to the parallel of that between a raging storm & that of the pain endured through such unexpected loss. Pain shows its ugly face in various ways...through the eyes of each, pain & loss look different...from death to divorce, financial strain, heartache & sickness...its presence so big, so overwhelming, so debilitating BUT is also incredibly necessary for enabling us to boldly be apart of the moving forward.

The sirens blared far longer than they ever have since moving into this house. So alarming, the debris flying by in its side ways dance, so effortlessly, traveling on the wings of such powerful winds. The sky could be mistaken for night fall that afternoon & the sound of softball size hail hitting the windows so hard making it difficult to differentiate the high pitch sounds of the warning sirens, both piercing your already ringing ears. I find a bit of humor nestled there in the Doppler Radar, the weather man giddy with excitement by each weather "game changer" that is thrown their way...in their seriousness they switch gears, urging the need to "get to your safe spot, you should be there now this storm is dangerous!!". 

We can only do so much in preparation of the storm. We board up our houses, empty shelves of the local grocery stores...After all, there is nothing we can do about it, there is no way around it, so we get ready the best we can, we hunker down & we pray that the storm "will not be as bad as they say."

I am always so dumbfounded by the pretty day that we find following a storm. Blue sky's appear reviling all that is left behind like a child excited "mommy look what I did!"...the destruction & debris...broken limbs & fallen trees, rays of sunlight bouncing off raindrops left over on its damp leaves.

Personal tragedy so much like the behavior of the storm & the baggage that is left in its wake. We do our best to prepare for the loss of the people who mean so much, gearing up & ready to throw ourselves out there on the front line ready to endure a beating from all sides, knowing too well that faith above all is the only true shelter, the only true enabler for helping the weary fly head on into the eye of the storm...braving the core offers hope despite the size & ugliness, imprinting growth that better prepares us for the storms that lie ahead...dropping us to the ground as the winds begin to lessen,stronger for surviving yet forever changed in a way that only those who have walked those shoes can truly understand.

 "I do not at all understand the mystery of grace ~ only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us". ~Annie Lamott

Just as the land needs mending from the broken after a storm, the heart so broken also in great need of having its wounds sutured & bandaged, protecting it from infection & further harm after being faced with the "see you soon" from the life in the flesh of a loved one you so desperately long to wrap your arms around.. You see, grief has its own kind of rubble, the mangled pieces that made your heart once whole, the light that made a beautiful day that much brighter, is now the unrecognizable wreckage left behind that must now be attended to, mended in order for true healing to set in. Initially it can present itself like the roaring of a freight train, quick in speed yet still, erie in its whorl wind sort of way leaving its path of destruction for those to clean up. The magnitude of the storm, the trash left behind for those to sift through dictates the time frame for which rebuilding will occur, how much time is necessary to allow for successful recovery...those present to lift up the laden, assist in the recovery must have perseverance & willingness to walk beside the hurting no matter the distance & understanding when surveying the damage with realistic measure of how big the task will be for getting things back the way you remembered before the day that your world was forever changed. "Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns."   Reality shows you that your eyes nor your heart will ever see what once was in the literal form, only remembrance of the tucked away memories are found & salvaged nestled safe & sound in the spaces of your mind & heart. So often the comfy of our homes are staged for the witnessing of the unmet thousands of miles away, families who's lives have been torn apart..,keeping abreast to the news of the search & recovery, holding on to the hope that the loss will be minimal & the life will be many. Over time the images dissolve & the world goes on to the next "breaking story" as if their agony is no more & life has simply fallen back into place in a timely fashion. The pain & grief of the suffer whose TRUE reality is just now setting in, far removed from the onset of the trauma, it comes on later when the dust had REALLY settled & the unaffected move on...the lonesome & lost aftermath so frighteningly raw & overwhelming, energy lacking like the hamster loosing steam on its wheel, we must fight another day no matter the cost & hold tight to the ones who stay the course long side you, to HE who will never leave you "People help you, or you help them, and when we offer or receive help, we take each other, and then we are saved." We give thanks for the reminders offered by our "first responders" our "never leavers" who have endurance, vision for the beauty that resides not in what can no longer be, but who offer hope in marrying the things of the past to the blessings God has to offer in our future. God long ago planned out our paths & their crossings, the impact each encounter offers our lives & the lives of those around us...strength for which He has instilled in us from the torrential downpours that have been survived so that we are learned enough to be not only first responders to others in need but also long hallers in the impending storms that are sure to come. 

What a blessing are those He has sent to do the suturing, wound tending of the flesh so torn from hazardous debris, mending the bruised from a battle well fought. "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3

Just as He offers a fresh new day, Greif will run its course & will leave strength and wisdom in its wake. Writings of grief & loss won't always cover these pages yet lessons found not only in the loss of my mother BUT in also in the many blessings she left behind.  

In closing I would like to share one of the many special conversations Brooke & I have shared about mom, her processing so amazing at the age of 6! I ran to my paper to wright it down as fast as I could for fear I'd forget! While working in Brooke's room she abruptly stops and says  "look mom it's Gand!!!!" Pointing to a lamp lit with no shade. Confused yet curious, hopeful there's been some sort of miracle and mom would be standing there I said, "what? where? In the lamp?" She said in a "well duh" tone, " right there mom, in the lightbulb...(I looked at her lost so she continued) don't you see? Gand is in the sun! The bulb gives light like the sun and light comes from God & Jesus who made the sun. Gand is with God & Jesus so the sun is in her...she's in your room too! 

"It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine."  Eeyore

In HIM,

Sarah

Plentiful Harvest

I have shared with many of you that I can only write when I feel led, when HE offers up so clearly on my heart & encourages some time well spent to simply BE. Listen, hear & put into motion the desires of HIS heart...

I find sometimes that I worry much if time lapses between post, it's so hard to know if you are still out there...all to remember that HE will take care & open the ears to His will & it's is not for me to handle. I do not know what the future holds nor will I ever really grasp the void of not having my mother by my side anymore but I do know that God has something huge in store & I must keep my eyes focused even through the downpour of tears that keep me company by day. Through such loss & heavy grieving, He reminds me that life happenings sprout new lessons with each life circumstance, grief will not forever hold the place in the Subject line, yet Hope & Truth among many will prevail...He continues to do productive weeding, preparing for such a plentiful harvest that's sure to come from tears that nourish the soil! Through the dark clouds & grieving process blooms fresh growth inspiring that which He is using me to share. I am beyond grateful to have you along for the ride & do hope you will jump on board for the long hall & enjoy with me all that unfolds on this most blessed journey He has offered. At the end of the day, there is still so much to learn from such an amazing mother & friend, so much celebrating SHE who, by the Grace of God  made me who I am today!

Until tomorrow, my friends! Hope yo have some Shiner dog pix to share soon too! Don't forget to let me know your out there!

In HIM,

Sarah

Birthday

Greetings. As always I have something to share before I can get my intended blog together & ready to post.

The impact of my officially saying goodbye to moms apartment this time last week hit like a mac truck. I feel like I keep saying things such as this BUT it feels like this past week has been by far one of the most difficult. Keeping the tears at bay has been something I have really had to concentrate on. Wrapping my brain around the reality that she's not at the hospital, she's not coming home...

As many of you know my mothers birthday is coming up on Sunday Oct.12th. In her honor, I'd like to invite you to wear her favorite color, blue! She loved Aqua/Turquoise/blue!  In addition, I'd love to hear your favorite stories/memories that you had with mom. If you like, please share your stories & below in the comment section and/or on her Facebook (pictures too in your blue!)! At some point I will have Caringbridge make moms CB Site into a hard bound book. Your stories will be such a wonderful contribution as they have been from the start!  Thank you in advance for helping me celebrate mom, rejoice in the amazing mother, woman,grandmother & friend that we all loved so much!

In closing, I don't know what Sunday is gonna lo like in my world...there is no doubt it will be beyond difficult for me & I know for you all too. May the stories & memories offer each of us comfort as we celebrate her oh so rich & full life.

Love,
Sarah

Moving Day

“BE PREPARED TO SUFFER FOR ME, in My Name. All suffering has meaning in My Kingdom. Pain & problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely – even thanking Me for them-is one of the highest forms of praise…When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign & that I can bring good out of everything…accept adversity in My Name, offering it up to Me for My purposes. Thus your suffering gains meaning & draws you closer to Me. Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust & thankfulness. “ ~ Jesus Calling

Blair was only 4 months old when we decided to move back to Texas. Living on 5 acres with all its wide open space, the peace, the quiet that always amazed me because you felt so far away from the rest of the world yet you were in city limits! A lot of memories were fashioned in that house, so much growth…I had been so excited to plan out the babies room, anxiously ready to get started not long after getting word that we would be having our first child in June! I remember the walk up to the house as we brought our brand new baby girl home from the hospital! Mom beaming at the door awaiting our arrival, she in her usual self had worked hard, carefully preparing for this day, cleaning & organizing, making sure everything was just right when that long awaited day came! So many memories fashioned in that house…

The day the movers came I remember sitting in the middle of Blair’s bedroom, the room that we worked so hard decorating, where many a diapers were changed…where the rocking chair clicked back n forth in its rhythmical way as I held that 5 lb. 15 oz. baby at 3 a.m. offering comfort…I sat there like a child myself “crisscross applesauce” smack dab in the middle of her room & sobbed! My heart breaking wide open with all it’s contents slowly seeping out all over the place…How could I possibly walk away from our first house? The house that our first child came to....the room where that sweet girl drifted off to sleep night after night...With walls that offered our family protection through many a storms & rejoiced with all the "firsts", all the love that was shared there…and the countless holidays...As much as I wanted to move on to the next chapter, the thought of leaving it all behind was way too hard, too sad. Every crevice of the place housed so many special times...

Mom was always good at talking things out with me, encouraging me to see things from different directions …As if it were yesterday I remember her saying, “I know you are sad but so much awaits you all, new memories to be made…it’s natural & ok to be sad, but the memories that have been made in this house do not reside in the walls!  They are not things to be left behind, they are memories that you take with you, you carry them in your heart wherever you go, never leaving a single one behind.” She was so right, no matter the countless good-byes & moves that proceeded. 

We have worked incredibly hard going through moms apartment,packing her things & re-homing the things she enjoyed, held so dear. As you can imagine it has been brutal, heartbreaking & at times to much for one soul to bare... but healthy...necessary. Today & tomorrow begin the excruciating task of wrapping things up at her place. The movers will come Tuesday, most of her things packed up, her apartment bare, lacking all the color & life that resided on the walls of the place mom loved, her home. The dreaded time is nearing where the keys will be handed over & a final goodbye will take place as we close the door one last time with the reality that we no longer can just “go over to moms”.  The hollow echo as we shuffle around her place moving boxes about, bags of trash to go out..,"memories do not reside in these walls...they reside in the people, in our hearts to forever hold close..." Getting this part of her affairs will allow us to breathe a little more, to slow down a bit, to have an opportunity to start really grieving. A whole brand new time of reality & grieving. There is still SO much for me to do in handling her affairs but making sure her belongings are on a new journey touching, blessing someone else’s life will be a huge relief. I will be tempted to cling to the walls of that Morgan Street home, cling to the holidays spent around her table, the Easter Egg hunts in the back yard, the laughter, the tears…all the joy that was found in every destination she called  home. There will no longer be a place to go to where my mother once sat reading her book or working on a project, watching her favorite show or selflessly living on me, on her grandchildren. There are no more “off to run another car load of boxes”…Realizing there would no longer be a place to go to that was HERS, where I could feel as close as I possibly could to my mother… I know she would surly remind me though, that she won’t be residing in those walls on Morgan Street, no she will be found in the bright smiles of her grandchildren, in  Shiner dog who offers us light and in the legacy that she has left…always, always, those memories will dig their roots deep down into our hearts,into so many she has touched & loved. “

…BE WILLING TO FOLLOW wherever I lead. Follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you do not know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of site but nonetheless very real…” ~ JC

I must hold tight to HIS promises, to He who continues to hold me up, carry me through the most difficult time of my life when so often it would be easier to lay down...He who never fails to fill air into my lungs with each sunrise, assuring that He will never, ever leave me!

I miss you more than words could ever express mom...I'd give anything to sit with you a while in that livingroom like we have done so many times,...to hunt eggs in you yard and OH how I'd pay good money to wrap my arms around your neck & hear your infamous  "a-p-p-l-e Pie" honk as you drive away. I love you mom!

In HIM,

Sarah

A Life Intentional

I got to thinkin about what things were like back in Jesus's time. I wonder what His day looked like knowing surly He didn't look up at the sun managing His time, then checking His list of "to do's" for the day strategizing how to fit it all in...I feel certain when He was stopped by someone along His way who was in need, He didn't ask if He could schedule another time to meet because He was running late...I wonder what He must be thinking looking down over us, watching us go through OUR day. His birds eye view of our daily struggles with each challenge faced, each heart ache, each failure or day gone wrong...watching to see which tools we choose to solve them...I have this picture in my mind of Him shaking His head in wonderment as to why we would go through SO much trouble, exhausting ourselves in such a way when He has offered us every tool in the shed! HIS tools right there at our disposal within arms reach! A simpler life, much different than the distraction of our much heftier worldly life.

I have had so many life altering experiences on this journey, I'm not sure I will ever be able to count them all. Some positive, others not so much but all with incredible growth that has etched a permanent imprint of the vine & the branches spoken repetitively during moms service, so symbolic of the woman she was the things she treasured so much in her life. I have had "ah ha" moments as the picture of one of my blogged "tree stories" pops in my mind as I reflect on so many of the happenings these past 3+ months reminiscent of branches attached to a mighty trunk, leaves offering protection, certainty... seasons, growth...the bark like road maps of a story with so many twist & turns...a life well lived...a life cut short...

The day I had too choose exploratory surgery which would most likely leave mom with an unfortunate quality of life OR make her comfortable, I was struck by more than just the reality of how awful that moment was, how wrong it was to be making such a decision for my mother. After CAT Scan the surgeon came to speak with me saying, "Im sorry for the rush but your mom is extremely sick, we need to make a decision & you have 3 minutes to decide what to do..." He explained things to me, mom was awake listening but she was septic, unable to keep up with the conversation as she was in too much pain. She rested there between us eyes wide but looking more like a spectator watching an intense tennis match at the US Open than one hearing & understanding the horrible decision I was faced with making on her behalf! Before the doctor left to prepare for surgery he looked me square in the eye & said what no person ever wants to hear "you need to tell your mom anything you want her to know, say everything you need to say, just in case you don't get another chance..." I said "there is no way I'm going in there & talk to her like she's gonna die, do you know how scary that would be?" He said "she is so sick... I'd rather she be mad at you now & know you said it & work it out later than have any regret..." 

Regret. Regret. Hmmm. The nurse took me by the shoulders & said "would you have any regret?"

How many times have you had cause to pause long enough to question if you are living intentionally? The reality of appreciating each day, taking advantage for we may not have tomorrow...make sure you have said what you need to say because you never know...on this journey alone I have seen & experienced way more than most at my age, some of which most will thankfully never whiteness in their lifetime but being present to express ones heart in their final hours surly crosses every human mind at one time or another. What would I say? Would I have time to say everything & what if I forget something...Many of you have been there, you have your own stories...I have feared being in a positions such as this, having 3 minutes to pack in 39 years of thank you's & I'm sorry's, I shoulda's...

"Think LESS. LIVE more"

Will I regret she asks me? Immediately i say "NO. No I will not. She knows exactly how I feel. I have always told her exactly how I feel, how thankful I have always been...I have always said how sorry I am when I have wronged as well..." I went on "in fact I always always tell her that I'd give anything to be even a quarter of the mother & friend she has always been to me, to my girls...& just before knee surgery I told her again..." WOW! I stopped in my own amazement. A huge peace washed over me...a realization i never saw coming. I had nothing! Nothing at all to say. How could that be? Sure I was devastated & sad, scared beyond measure, the tears were abundant but the words were not. I went to be by her side while they got things ready for surgery & held her hand...I told her how much I loved her & assured her the tears were solely due to all that she had & continued to endure & that I was so sad for her but was there & would never leave her side, that I needed her, the girls needed her...

In the days that followed surgery & then her death I think about that so so much. Guilt accompanying the reality of "are you REALLY living intentionally?" There is no doubt we need to slow down, evaluate what's truly important, do better BUT we waste so much time beating ourselves up for thinking were not living intentionally enough, worrying or putting things off because it's overwhelming or scary but have you ever considered that JUST maybe you might be living more intentionally than you think? That living in a world that is fighting like mad, day & night to make you more like everyone else is actually blinding you from the truth & simplicity that Jesus has provided? 

"My peace I give to you, not as the world gives to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." 

~ John 14:27.  

See I believe His day was far simpler, not so full of details, world static, rules, regulations & SHOULDS! It wasn't about all the trying! No, He just got up before the sun & He prayed, He filled himself & then He just went. "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house & went off to a solitary place, where he prayed." ~ Mark 1:35. He did what He did & loved because that's what He did & He didn't have to think about it or ask himself if He was living intentionally...He just was. 

We take so much time in the trying instead of slowing down long enough to simply BE. When we take the time to BE, He enables us to see things more clearly offering far more hope, peace & not regret! Yes, evens in the throws of treacherous storms & damaging winds. Mercy. Grace. His GRACE the same Grace that IS sufficient enough for you & for me. What an awesome thing He offered me on one of the worst days of my life. Though there is no doubt we can say more, do better, be better LIVE. MORE . INTENTINIALLY. But it doesn't have to be so complicated, so heavy, so full of guilt or additions to a list that is already far too long...what a relief that was for me. BE first. BE more often. Be.

 "Pray Gods agenda, not your's" ~ Matt 6:9-13.  

As I continue to make it one day at a time I have little left in me BUT to cling to JUST BEing...with He who offers me a fresh new day...to continue "chewing" on the many experiences....the whole lesson on that day was the realization of the not having to TRY so hard to live intentionally! The world tends to focus so much on the negative, where we fall short & doesn't acknowledge the true blessing of simplicity, slowing down...of just BEing! Though we have many short comings & are ever so undeserving, we must pick up our cross daily, keep our eyes focused, unwilling to waver at all that we may face knowing He is faithful...we are by Him living a more intentional life! Don't beat yourself up for not living intentionally enough, extend yourself Grace for the intention you are already living!

Sarah