The Hardest Thing I Ever Loved

...being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever loved!

Blair was just shy of her first birthday when my first Mothers Day rolled around. I remember it like it was yesterday, so hard to believe I was a mother, seeing things from such a different view! I remember my urgency as I held the phone tightly to my ear, anxiously awaiting moms comfy "hello?" On the other end of the line... "We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a 

difference in our lives" ~ JFK

"Mom? Happy Mothers Day, I had NO idea!" I blurted out.

A soft laugh rolled off her lips as she said, "No idea about what?" She questioned..."I knew you did so much for us but I had NO idea how much it REALLY takes to be a mom. I have always appreciated the countless things you have done for me & our family but now that I too am a mom, I have an even bigger appreciation...I am more grateful than ever for each and everything you have done and do for me...for all you put up with, smiled through and sacrificed for ~ THANK YOU! I am so undeserving, I had no idea what you REALLY have done for me all these years...If I could have know then what I know now..."

"MOTHER [muhth-er] noun

1. One person who does the work of twenty. For free. 
 (See also 'perfect', 'love', 'saint')"

And so the conversation went, giggling on her end of the phone...every wrong I had ever done to her, every unrecognized sacrifice she had so selflessly offered me had long been gone from her mind,everything rolled right off her back... "...you will do the same for your children, it's what Mother's do & we love each any every minute of it no matter what each day brings...it's a gift". She said... Boy was SHE a gift! 

"Love is taking a few steps backward maybe even more? To give way to the happiness of the person you love" ~ Winnie the Pooh

"One of the secrets of life is that all that is really worth the doing is what we do for others". ~ Lewis Carroll

Being a mother is truly the hardest thing I have ever loved! It's THE best & most important job no doubt! My heart aches so incredibly with each day that greets me because I miss her so much but I rejoice endlessly as I am one of the lucky ones to have had a mother so incredible. How blessed I am to have had a mother so special that missing her would be so painful & learning to live without her seems so impossible. "Sometimes I just wish you were here so I could tell you how much I need you and how hard every day has been without you." So privileged I have been to have had such a rare & special relationship with my mother that few will ever experience. It wouldn't hurt this bad if she hadn't loved me so much and taught me how to love so fully, to love just as Christ loves us. "You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you"

Its no surprise that I have dreaded this day, remembering what "this time last year" looked like as we spent Mother's Day together, eating a feast with mom just days before her surgery, joking that it was like "the last supper" for it would most likely be the last really good meal for a while! I could never have dreamt that that statement would turn out to be just that as we spent our last Mother's Day together - The Last Supper....

"Truly I tell you, I will not drink again from the fruits of the vine until that day when I drink it new in the Kingdom of God" Mark 14:24

While I am getting better at the pushing forward, trying to adapt to this new life without mom, "She is not where she was. She is not where she is going, but she was on her way" I still cannot wrap my brain around her absence. So often I have to remind myself that she's not just out of town...no, she is no longer with us in the flesh...I hear her in the wind chimes that were given to me in her honor, they ring so often outside my window...I find guidance in the pencil marks of the underlining she was known for doing so carefully in the books she gave and in others that lined her shelves. I flip the pages of the book I hold so close & often carry with me, the one she had given me just before her surgery, one of the only messages left for me...on the first page I find her familiar handwriting, 
"I actually bought this book for one Mothers Day when I lived in Tyler. My plan was to read it - as you will see - underline some things for you. So now you will finally get it and can share with your beautiful girls...I love you and so proud of the mother you are." ~ Spring 2014

"The capacity to adapt to change is a sign of emotional health and intelligence - without it we cannot grow."

I cannot replace her presence in my girls lives but I will never cease my efforts to be even half the mom & best friend to them as she has always been to me...praying over & for them, loving, teaching and supporting them just as my mother so selflessly did for me. I will celebrate her not only on Mothers Day but every day, keeping her memory constantly in the forefront, laughing to tears at the fun stories with our "Gand" and the wordage the girls found to be so funny, "Yella" (yellow), "Pilla" (pillow), "Cincinnata" and find comfort in the sweet times of being rocked to "I love you, a bushel and a peck...", to the treasured car talks, words of wisdom...And the countless other ways she loved on all of us! 

" I do not think we know our own strength until we have seen how strong love makes us...the strength of the human heart in general, greatly improved her spirit."

"A limb had fallen from the family tree that says grieve not for me remember the best times the laughter, the song, the good life I lived while I was strong!"

Happy Mother's Day Mom! I miss and love you more than I could ever express. To all the amazing mother's who daily pour their hearts and souls into their families, giving selflessly and loving to the depths...on this day and every day, you are celebrated with so much adoration!

  "All that I am or hope to be, I owe to my mother."  Abraham Lincoln 

As always, please feel free to share in the comment section below! I love to hear your stories & so glad you stopped by!