Keep Looking For Sunshine

"MY PEACE is the treasure of treasures: the pearl of great price. It is an exquisitely costly gift, both for the Giver and the receiver. I purchased this Peace for you with My blood. You receive this gift by trusting Me in the midst of life's storms...."   ~ JC

The check list of 'firsts', the daily, sometimes hourly self reminders that I will survive this nightmare & find security in this new life I am having to learn to live marches onward. The first of many celebrations without her, the day that would have been moms 73rd Birthday, came & went with all its rightness...the best we could. I believe she would be humbled by the honoring of blues worn...her favorite color which always made her already bright & sparkly blue eyes even bluer! Gifting UK's 2MedICU that Sunday with birthday treats, thanking the oh so under appreciated nurses & staff who saved my mothers life & allowed mom to hug her grandchildren close a few more times. It takes such a special person to work the floor of the ICU, far more defeat than victory happens there yet they never cease the best possible care one could have, they press onward behind the walls of a building that houses a world of its own 24/7. Patient after patient, determined to make whole those precious lives, working hard to give them back to their families healed & headed home. With heavy hearts & flowing of tears it was heartbreaking yet comforting...feeling good with a mission to "gift" serve just as my mother would do, loving on those just as Christ loved us & gave himself for us...the gift was accomplished. Words were underlined in a book my mother gave me before her surgery,

 "...life is a celebration to be cherished in every stage...Happiness is always true when we are adding to the happiness of others..."

The afternoon spent similar to that of last year, celebrating casually, grilling hamburgers & relishing the companionship & love of sport with those she loved so much. Doing the things she enjoyed...I am certain I will never be able to wrap my brain around her absence, the idea that I can no longer feel the warmth of her hand, the sound of her voice much less no longer get to share in the sequil of a tradition she set on my 30th birthday which we had long dreamt to relive for my upcoming my 40th next month...the pain unbearable...

"and now my life ebbs away; days of suffering grip me. Night pierces my bones; my gnawing pains never rest. In his great power God becomes like clothing to me; he binds me like the neck of my garment." Job 30:16-18. Comfort can be found in the Fatherly way He engulfs us, covering us like a garment like a picture fashioned in my mind of that of a child given way to exhaustion nestled in "dress up", in the innocence of her fathers dress shirt...the arms far too long, a shirt yet more like a dress in its largeness wrapping numerous times around her snugly, coating her small frame with security & peace..."Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love" Laminations 3:32 

I reflect such a storyline, one altered by twists & turns, a roadmap of sorts, a path full of peeks n' valleys, that which make up the past 6 months & will surly pave the way, narrating the details of the future yet to come. So often unpredictable, reminiscent of the uncertainty of Mother Nature, reminiscent of the storms & tornadoes that blew in a few weeks ago reeking havoc on our homes & totaling cars...

My senses heightened to the parallel of that between a raging storm & that of the pain endured through such unexpected loss. Pain shows its ugly face in various ways...through the eyes of each, pain & loss look different...from death to divorce, financial strain, heartache & sickness...its presence so big, so overwhelming, so debilitating BUT is also incredibly necessary for enabling us to boldly be apart of the moving forward.

The sirens blared far longer than they ever have since moving into this house. So alarming, the debris flying by in its side ways dance, so effortlessly, traveling on the wings of such powerful winds. The sky could be mistaken for night fall that afternoon & the sound of softball size hail hitting the windows so hard making it difficult to differentiate the high pitch sounds of the warning sirens, both piercing your already ringing ears. I find a bit of humor nestled there in the Doppler Radar, the weather man giddy with excitement by each weather "game changer" that is thrown their way...in their seriousness they switch gears, urging the need to "get to your safe spot, you should be there now this storm is dangerous!!". 

We can only do so much in preparation of the storm. We board up our houses, empty shelves of the local grocery stores...After all, there is nothing we can do about it, there is no way around it, so we get ready the best we can, we hunker down & we pray that the storm "will not be as bad as they say."

I am always so dumbfounded by the pretty day that we find following a storm. Blue sky's appear reviling all that is left behind like a child excited "mommy look what I did!"...the destruction & debris...broken limbs & fallen trees, rays of sunlight bouncing off raindrops left over on its damp leaves.

Personal tragedy so much like the behavior of the storm & the baggage that is left in its wake. We do our best to prepare for the loss of the people who mean so much, gearing up & ready to throw ourselves out there on the front line ready to endure a beating from all sides, knowing too well that faith above all is the only true shelter, the only true enabler for helping the weary fly head on into the eye of the storm...braving the core offers hope despite the size & ugliness, imprinting growth that better prepares us for the storms that lie ahead...dropping us to the ground as the winds begin to lessen,stronger for surviving yet forever changed in a way that only those who have walked those shoes can truly understand.

 "I do not at all understand the mystery of grace ~ only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us". ~Annie Lamott

Just as the land needs mending from the broken after a storm, the heart so broken also in great need of having its wounds sutured & bandaged, protecting it from infection & further harm after being faced with the "see you soon" from the life in the flesh of a loved one you so desperately long to wrap your arms around.. You see, grief has its own kind of rubble, the mangled pieces that made your heart once whole, the light that made a beautiful day that much brighter, is now the unrecognizable wreckage left behind that must now be attended to, mended in order for true healing to set in. Initially it can present itself like the roaring of a freight train, quick in speed yet still, erie in its whorl wind sort of way leaving its path of destruction for those to clean up. The magnitude of the storm, the trash left behind for those to sift through dictates the time frame for which rebuilding will occur, how much time is necessary to allow for successful recovery...those present to lift up the laden, assist in the recovery must have perseverance & willingness to walk beside the hurting no matter the distance & understanding when surveying the damage with realistic measure of how big the task will be for getting things back the way you remembered before the day that your world was forever changed. "Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns."   Reality shows you that your eyes nor your heart will ever see what once was in the literal form, only remembrance of the tucked away memories are found & salvaged nestled safe & sound in the spaces of your mind & heart. So often the comfy of our homes are staged for the witnessing of the unmet thousands of miles away, families who's lives have been torn apart..,keeping abreast to the news of the search & recovery, holding on to the hope that the loss will be minimal & the life will be many. Over time the images dissolve & the world goes on to the next "breaking story" as if their agony is no more & life has simply fallen back into place in a timely fashion. The pain & grief of the suffer whose TRUE reality is just now setting in, far removed from the onset of the trauma, it comes on later when the dust had REALLY settled & the unaffected move on...the lonesome & lost aftermath so frighteningly raw & overwhelming, energy lacking like the hamster loosing steam on its wheel, we must fight another day no matter the cost & hold tight to the ones who stay the course long side you, to HE who will never leave you "People help you, or you help them, and when we offer or receive help, we take each other, and then we are saved." We give thanks for the reminders offered by our "first responders" our "never leavers" who have endurance, vision for the beauty that resides not in what can no longer be, but who offer hope in marrying the things of the past to the blessings God has to offer in our future. God long ago planned out our paths & their crossings, the impact each encounter offers our lives & the lives of those around us...strength for which He has instilled in us from the torrential downpours that have been survived so that we are learned enough to be not only first responders to others in need but also long hallers in the impending storms that are sure to come. 

What a blessing are those He has sent to do the suturing, wound tending of the flesh so torn from hazardous debris, mending the bruised from a battle well fought. "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm 147:3

Just as He offers a fresh new day, Greif will run its course & will leave strength and wisdom in its wake. Writings of grief & loss won't always cover these pages yet lessons found not only in the loss of my mother BUT in also in the many blessings she left behind.  

In closing I would like to share one of the many special conversations Brooke & I have shared about mom, her processing so amazing at the age of 6! I ran to my paper to wright it down as fast as I could for fear I'd forget! While working in Brooke's room she abruptly stops and says  "look mom it's Gand!!!!" Pointing to a lamp lit with no shade. Confused yet curious, hopeful there's been some sort of miracle and mom would be standing there I said, "what? where? In the lamp?" She said in a "well duh" tone, " right there mom, in the lightbulb...(I looked at her lost so she continued) don't you see? Gand is in the sun! The bulb gives light like the sun and light comes from God & Jesus who made the sun. Gand is with God & Jesus so the sun is in her...she's in your room too! 

"It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine."  Eeyore

In HIM,

Sarah

Plentiful Harvest

I have shared with many of you that I can only write when I feel led, when HE offers up so clearly on my heart & encourages some time well spent to simply BE. Listen, hear & put into motion the desires of HIS heart...

I find sometimes that I worry much if time lapses between post, it's so hard to know if you are still out there...all to remember that HE will take care & open the ears to His will & it's is not for me to handle. I do not know what the future holds nor will I ever really grasp the void of not having my mother by my side anymore but I do know that God has something huge in store & I must keep my eyes focused even through the downpour of tears that keep me company by day. Through such loss & heavy grieving, He reminds me that life happenings sprout new lessons with each life circumstance, grief will not forever hold the place in the Subject line, yet Hope & Truth among many will prevail...He continues to do productive weeding, preparing for such a plentiful harvest that's sure to come from tears that nourish the soil! Through the dark clouds & grieving process blooms fresh growth inspiring that which He is using me to share. I am beyond grateful to have you along for the ride & do hope you will jump on board for the long hall & enjoy with me all that unfolds on this most blessed journey He has offered. At the end of the day, there is still so much to learn from such an amazing mother & friend, so much celebrating SHE who, by the Grace of God  made me who I am today!

Until tomorrow, my friends! Hope yo have some Shiner dog pix to share soon too! Don't forget to let me know your out there!

In HIM,

Sarah

Birthday

Greetings. As always I have something to share before I can get my intended blog together & ready to post.

The impact of my officially saying goodbye to moms apartment this time last week hit like a mac truck. I feel like I keep saying things such as this BUT it feels like this past week has been by far one of the most difficult. Keeping the tears at bay has been something I have really had to concentrate on. Wrapping my brain around the reality that she's not at the hospital, she's not coming home...

As many of you know my mothers birthday is coming up on Sunday Oct.12th. In her honor, I'd like to invite you to wear her favorite color, blue! She loved Aqua/Turquoise/blue!  In addition, I'd love to hear your favorite stories/memories that you had with mom. If you like, please share your stories & below in the comment section and/or on her Facebook (pictures too in your blue!)! At some point I will have Caringbridge make moms CB Site into a hard bound book. Your stories will be such a wonderful contribution as they have been from the start!  Thank you in advance for helping me celebrate mom, rejoice in the amazing mother, woman,grandmother & friend that we all loved so much!

In closing, I don't know what Sunday is gonna lo like in my world...there is no doubt it will be beyond difficult for me & I know for you all too. May the stories & memories offer each of us comfort as we celebrate her oh so rich & full life.

Love,
Sarah

Moving Day

“BE PREPARED TO SUFFER FOR ME, in My Name. All suffering has meaning in My Kingdom. Pain & problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely – even thanking Me for them-is one of the highest forms of praise…When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign & that I can bring good out of everything…accept adversity in My Name, offering it up to Me for My purposes. Thus your suffering gains meaning & draws you closer to Me. Joy emerges from the ashes of adversity through your trust & thankfulness. “ ~ Jesus Calling

Blair was only 4 months old when we decided to move back to Texas. Living on 5 acres with all its wide open space, the peace, the quiet that always amazed me because you felt so far away from the rest of the world yet you were in city limits! A lot of memories were fashioned in that house, so much growth…I had been so excited to plan out the babies room, anxiously ready to get started not long after getting word that we would be having our first child in June! I remember the walk up to the house as we brought our brand new baby girl home from the hospital! Mom beaming at the door awaiting our arrival, she in her usual self had worked hard, carefully preparing for this day, cleaning & organizing, making sure everything was just right when that long awaited day came! So many memories fashioned in that house…

The day the movers came I remember sitting in the middle of Blair’s bedroom, the room that we worked so hard decorating, where many a diapers were changed…where the rocking chair clicked back n forth in its rhythmical way as I held that 5 lb. 15 oz. baby at 3 a.m. offering comfort…I sat there like a child myself “crisscross applesauce” smack dab in the middle of her room & sobbed! My heart breaking wide open with all it’s contents slowly seeping out all over the place…How could I possibly walk away from our first house? The house that our first child came to....the room where that sweet girl drifted off to sleep night after night...With walls that offered our family protection through many a storms & rejoiced with all the "firsts", all the love that was shared there…and the countless holidays...As much as I wanted to move on to the next chapter, the thought of leaving it all behind was way too hard, too sad. Every crevice of the place housed so many special times...

Mom was always good at talking things out with me, encouraging me to see things from different directions …As if it were yesterday I remember her saying, “I know you are sad but so much awaits you all, new memories to be made…it’s natural & ok to be sad, but the memories that have been made in this house do not reside in the walls!  They are not things to be left behind, they are memories that you take with you, you carry them in your heart wherever you go, never leaving a single one behind.” She was so right, no matter the countless good-byes & moves that proceeded. 

We have worked incredibly hard going through moms apartment,packing her things & re-homing the things she enjoyed, held so dear. As you can imagine it has been brutal, heartbreaking & at times to much for one soul to bare... but healthy...necessary. Today & tomorrow begin the excruciating task of wrapping things up at her place. The movers will come Tuesday, most of her things packed up, her apartment bare, lacking all the color & life that resided on the walls of the place mom loved, her home. The dreaded time is nearing where the keys will be handed over & a final goodbye will take place as we close the door one last time with the reality that we no longer can just “go over to moms”.  The hollow echo as we shuffle around her place moving boxes about, bags of trash to go out..,"memories do not reside in these walls...they reside in the people, in our hearts to forever hold close..." Getting this part of her affairs will allow us to breathe a little more, to slow down a bit, to have an opportunity to start really grieving. A whole brand new time of reality & grieving. There is still SO much for me to do in handling her affairs but making sure her belongings are on a new journey touching, blessing someone else’s life will be a huge relief. I will be tempted to cling to the walls of that Morgan Street home, cling to the holidays spent around her table, the Easter Egg hunts in the back yard, the laughter, the tears…all the joy that was found in every destination she called  home. There will no longer be a place to go to where my mother once sat reading her book or working on a project, watching her favorite show or selflessly living on me, on her grandchildren. There are no more “off to run another car load of boxes”…Realizing there would no longer be a place to go to that was HERS, where I could feel as close as I possibly could to my mother… I know she would surly remind me though, that she won’t be residing in those walls on Morgan Street, no she will be found in the bright smiles of her grandchildren, in  Shiner dog who offers us light and in the legacy that she has left…always, always, those memories will dig their roots deep down into our hearts,into so many she has touched & loved. “

…BE WILLING TO FOLLOW wherever I lead. Follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you do not know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of site but nonetheless very real…” ~ JC

I must hold tight to HIS promises, to He who continues to hold me up, carry me through the most difficult time of my life when so often it would be easier to lay down...He who never fails to fill air into my lungs with each sunrise, assuring that He will never, ever leave me!

I miss you more than words could ever express mom...I'd give anything to sit with you a while in that livingroom like we have done so many times,...to hunt eggs in you yard and OH how I'd pay good money to wrap my arms around your neck & hear your infamous  "a-p-p-l-e Pie" honk as you drive away. I love you mom!

In HIM,

Sarah

A Life Intentional

I got to thinkin about what things were like back in Jesus's time. I wonder what His day looked like knowing surly He didn't look up at the sun managing His time, then checking His list of "to do's" for the day strategizing how to fit it all in...I feel certain when He was stopped by someone along His way who was in need, He didn't ask if He could schedule another time to meet because He was running late...I wonder what He must be thinking looking down over us, watching us go through OUR day. His birds eye view of our daily struggles with each challenge faced, each heart ache, each failure or day gone wrong...watching to see which tools we choose to solve them...I have this picture in my mind of Him shaking His head in wonderment as to why we would go through SO much trouble, exhausting ourselves in such a way when He has offered us every tool in the shed! HIS tools right there at our disposal within arms reach! A simpler life, much different than the distraction of our much heftier worldly life.

I have had so many life altering experiences on this journey, I'm not sure I will ever be able to count them all. Some positive, others not so much but all with incredible growth that has etched a permanent imprint of the vine & the branches spoken repetitively during moms service, so symbolic of the woman she was the things she treasured so much in her life. I have had "ah ha" moments as the picture of one of my blogged "tree stories" pops in my mind as I reflect on so many of the happenings these past 3+ months reminiscent of branches attached to a mighty trunk, leaves offering protection, certainty... seasons, growth...the bark like road maps of a story with so many twist & turns...a life well lived...a life cut short...

The day I had too choose exploratory surgery which would most likely leave mom with an unfortunate quality of life OR make her comfortable, I was struck by more than just the reality of how awful that moment was, how wrong it was to be making such a decision for my mother. After CAT Scan the surgeon came to speak with me saying, "Im sorry for the rush but your mom is extremely sick, we need to make a decision & you have 3 minutes to decide what to do..." He explained things to me, mom was awake listening but she was septic, unable to keep up with the conversation as she was in too much pain. She rested there between us eyes wide but looking more like a spectator watching an intense tennis match at the US Open than one hearing & understanding the horrible decision I was faced with making on her behalf! Before the doctor left to prepare for surgery he looked me square in the eye & said what no person ever wants to hear "you need to tell your mom anything you want her to know, say everything you need to say, just in case you don't get another chance..." I said "there is no way I'm going in there & talk to her like she's gonna die, do you know how scary that would be?" He said "she is so sick... I'd rather she be mad at you now & know you said it & work it out later than have any regret..." 

Regret. Regret. Hmmm. The nurse took me by the shoulders & said "would you have any regret?"

How many times have you had cause to pause long enough to question if you are living intentionally? The reality of appreciating each day, taking advantage for we may not have tomorrow...make sure you have said what you need to say because you never know...on this journey alone I have seen & experienced way more than most at my age, some of which most will thankfully never whiteness in their lifetime but being present to express ones heart in their final hours surly crosses every human mind at one time or another. What would I say? Would I have time to say everything & what if I forget something...Many of you have been there, you have your own stories...I have feared being in a positions such as this, having 3 minutes to pack in 39 years of thank you's & I'm sorry's, I shoulda's...

"Think LESS. LIVE more"

Will I regret she asks me? Immediately i say "NO. No I will not. She knows exactly how I feel. I have always told her exactly how I feel, how thankful I have always been...I have always said how sorry I am when I have wronged as well..." I went on "in fact I always always tell her that I'd give anything to be even a quarter of the mother & friend she has always been to me, to my girls...& just before knee surgery I told her again..." WOW! I stopped in my own amazement. A huge peace washed over me...a realization i never saw coming. I had nothing! Nothing at all to say. How could that be? Sure I was devastated & sad, scared beyond measure, the tears were abundant but the words were not. I went to be by her side while they got things ready for surgery & held her hand...I told her how much I loved her & assured her the tears were solely due to all that she had & continued to endure & that I was so sad for her but was there & would never leave her side, that I needed her, the girls needed her...

In the days that followed surgery & then her death I think about that so so much. Guilt accompanying the reality of "are you REALLY living intentionally?" There is no doubt we need to slow down, evaluate what's truly important, do better BUT we waste so much time beating ourselves up for thinking were not living intentionally enough, worrying or putting things off because it's overwhelming or scary but have you ever considered that JUST maybe you might be living more intentionally than you think? That living in a world that is fighting like mad, day & night to make you more like everyone else is actually blinding you from the truth & simplicity that Jesus has provided? 

"My peace I give to you, not as the world gives to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." 

~ John 14:27.  

See I believe His day was far simpler, not so full of details, world static, rules, regulations & SHOULDS! It wasn't about all the trying! No, He just got up before the sun & He prayed, He filled himself & then He just went. "Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house & went off to a solitary place, where he prayed." ~ Mark 1:35. He did what He did & loved because that's what He did & He didn't have to think about it or ask himself if He was living intentionally...He just was. 

We take so much time in the trying instead of slowing down long enough to simply BE. When we take the time to BE, He enables us to see things more clearly offering far more hope, peace & not regret! Yes, evens in the throws of treacherous storms & damaging winds. Mercy. Grace. His GRACE the same Grace that IS sufficient enough for you & for me. What an awesome thing He offered me on one of the worst days of my life. Though there is no doubt we can say more, do better, be better LIVE. MORE . INTENTINIALLY. But it doesn't have to be so complicated, so heavy, so full of guilt or additions to a list that is already far too long...what a relief that was for me. BE first. BE more often. Be.

 "Pray Gods agenda, not your's" ~ Matt 6:9-13.  

As I continue to make it one day at a time I have little left in me BUT to cling to JUST BEing...with He who offers me a fresh new day...to continue "chewing" on the many experiences....the whole lesson on that day was the realization of the not having to TRY so hard to live intentionally! The world tends to focus so much on the negative, where we fall short & doesn't acknowledge the true blessing of simplicity, slowing down...of just BEing! Though we have many short comings & are ever so undeserving, we must pick up our cross daily, keep our eyes focused, unwilling to waver at all that we may face knowing He is faithful...we are by Him living a more intentional life! Don't beat yourself up for not living intentionally enough, extend yourself Grace for the intention you are already living!

Sarah

Path Of My Choosing

...You are on the path of MY choosing. There is no randomness about your life......Every moment is alive with my Glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine... (Jesus Calling)
 
I hope your sky is as blue, the grass as green & the sun is as bright as what I see out my window! I am so thankful for days like these. Everyday really, but a beautiful spring day does something to the heart...especially when the body that protects it is working so hard to shut the pain out. Days like these don't make the pain go away, they don't lessen the burden but they certainly help fill "those places in the brain where pain loves to go". Today John & I surprised Blair & showed up to have lunch with her at school. I woke up feeling pretty bad & considered going another day but couldn't wait! I knew it would be special & fun, but had no idea the distraction would make such a difference, even if only for about 20 min. Seeing her eyes light up, happy to see us, her friends all fighting for a spot to sit at the table with us as if we were celebrities! So fun! 

The road for Blair continues to be a bumpy one but I THINK, I think we may have really gotten somewhere this time, hit some answers this week. I was beginning to grow discouraged & defeated until Tuesday. A good, productive visit, a new plan of action is in place & we are both feeling encouraged. I feel deep down something is coming, something good but like all things, the hard work must be done first! I am excited as our homework is to read "The Giving Tree" together! Classic! This silly accident has caused so much trouble, has caused pain in so many ways. So much heart ache has come BUT growth, growth is slowly showing it’s blooms as these spring days become more certain & faithful! It's so amazing how God tends to His garden, pulling the weeds, eliminating the unhealthy stuff, fertilizing, nurturing... cultivating His soil....for what will be, no doubt, a rich & plentiful garden full of fresh new growth, bright peddles, new hope! “…It’s in the in-between that the real magic happens. The seeds are planted, the roots take hold…and we blossom into who we were meant to be…” Continue to lift her, we feel your prayers & love!

For me? We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.  Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. 
2 Corinthians 4:8-10(NLT)

We had a quick but great visit with Phil & Nancy last week! God was REALLY looking out for me! In hind site, I was doing better pain wise & can now remember cautiously thinking to myself, "Hmmm, MAYBE I am getting a hair better? Something might be working? I have been able to do better for their visit...this is good!" Unfortunately that was short lived. The days that followed have been by far the worst, most painful, upsetting & sad days I would experience since I learned of this illness. The past 5 days I have been surprised by my sudden inability to do simple things, “Some days...in an effort to pull at least one thing together, Lipstick...was all she could do..." not being able to weight bear in a more dramatic way, not being able to walk steps, bend over... which Chris can attest to in his quick stops by the house, you can read it in his eyes, the mix of confusion & compassion... watching my role as "actor extraordinaire" shift, my eyes fill with tears, I haven't been able to come close to faking it...tears streaming as I got caught half way up the stairs the other day & couldn't step up or down, something that hasn't been this extreme before...It was scary sitting there unsure of how I would go up or down...just crying...”Wrapping her arms around her torso she held tight to keep her heart from falling out…” then feeling Blair's little arm around my shoulder squeezing ME in for a change saying, "it's ok mom, it's ganna be ok...". Have I ever mentioned Old Soul? I don't think I have ever been in a place of physically NOT being able to "suck it up", push though because that's what I do, I'm a mom....recently, I think I emotionally find myself in a state of shock & fear at the reality when my girls or Chris find me where I lay (meaning, I couldn't go any further so I just went down where I was for a rest, or a meltdown, even if just for a few min., then you get up & go again, if & when you can!) & say, "hey, what cha doin? are you ok? pain is bad huh? im sorry...". BUT as my mother has always said, This too shall pass, and it will! By GRACE! Isn't that wonderful??

Tuesday (of last week) I went back to the dr. My PT had already been in touch, evidently she too was concerned after seeing me the day before in which I could do minimal PT. As always, he was incredibly encouraging, stating that I wasn't any worse but he had hoped that my pain would be down. The med isn't doing much & we think there is a cyst behind my left knee so not sure if that's contributing. Nut shell, based on his evaluation/exam, we made the decision to do a diagnostic nerve block above (block & steroids) & to the inside of my left knee. The nerve runs all the way down through the bottom of my foot. I’m not sure of the wordage & such & won't go into details (although you are welcome to ask if you'd like more detail I am happy to explain!) not the most fun thing I have ever done BUT helpful & informative evidently. Whole new understanding to how our young children feel after their big shots. He said I'd be sore like having Tetanus & boy was he right! He feels like we might be dealing more with a Stage II RSD (more direct traumatic nerve injury) than Stage I but it seems to be improving slightly. There is neuropathy & appears to be additional nerve damage & possibly other underlying issues that have been overshadowed by the RSD which sort of explains the pain level.  It's all a lot of info. & I come out over stimulated BUT incredibly hopeful in regards to my doctor & his ability to get me well ~ one day? Which is said even through tears of pain!! Thankfully the doctor was able to catch Chris on the phone to update him as there was no way to regurgitate it to him myself & they could have a much more successful medical conversation in half the time! There is still no way to know how far we are from remission, it feels like an eternity...“Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn’t happen. Something better does…”from getting this pain under control, it's a slow process unfortunately. Small victories press forward. “Who are we to say that things aren’t happening exactly as they need to happen?” The current medicine causes such strong side effects, which is really unusual, especially being such a low dose, that he didn't feel comfortable upping the dosage because the side effects would be so overboard for me that Id really be a mess. SO he is switching me to a different anti conversant & continuing the topical. Apparently there can be some pretty big side effects with this one too so it was a tossup as to when to start it with Derby coming this weekend & the reality that I could break out in some horrible rash or go loopy (we have a Derby Eve party)...Chris & I decided to chance it however b/c we don't want to waste a day of getting it into my system...If I do well by next week he'll take me off the old med. So....I ride my roller coaster, but not alone! I am thankful for you all who are willing to ride along beside me...whether peeks or valleys!  I do not know how people go through something like this w/o a doctor like the specialist I have been seeing. Having a physician assure you that he's never gonna say, "well, that's it, I'v done all I can, don't know what else to do, sorry...", is amazing & offers such comfort. How one can leave his office with no less pain than when arriving, only more hopeful, sure, confident that your physician is going it right there beside you too. Sincerely.

 I continue on this journey, “Sometimes we get what we want soon after we let go. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes the specific outcome we desire doesn’t happen. Something better does…” I think of the good God is churning thru all of this & pray for who or what I am being prepared for... “..Perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken...but the courage required to grow strong in the broken places…”
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, friendship & prayers. You have no idea how much it means, how much you mean!

In HIM,
Sarah

...As you give yourself more & more to a life constant in communion with me, you will find that you have no time for worry... ...Thus you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to WALK along the path of peace.  (Jesus Calling)

The Love Of A Pony

 My heart is so full as I watch them come together with such loyalty & love. There are few who truly know the strength of a little girl & her pony. It’s really quite unique & unless you have experienced it yourself, words cannot describe the love & the bond that are fashioned by unspoken devotion. Tessa’s story could have taken a sad turn if it hadn’t been for the one who brought her home to Summer Wind, Karen! So hard to imagine that this special pony was sent to slaughter only to be saved by the hand of a dedicated animal lover. While her build is petite & slender, Tessa exudes strength…her frame adorned with a dark silky coat that shines even on a dreary day. Her radiance not only comes from the hands that groom her, they come from a smile in her heart from the promise of a life filled with more love than a pony’s heart could possibly hold. Like Tessa, Blair is sensitive, & sometimes timid, with brief times of worry that are outnumbered by times of excitement & fun ~ you couldn’t find a more loyal friend than Blair! Karen knew Blair loved horses & that she was determined that riding would “be her thing”, only she was intimidated by the height of Mazey, the horse I have been riding. Mazey is gentile in nature & their friendship so strong on the ground but she expressed her desire for something smaller, something more her size.

The hair on our arms stood with chills as Karen shared her desire to continue her commitment to Tessa by way of a surprise, “giving” Blair the pony for her birthday! Alimony based on care & attention, days full of love and hugs….& of course carrots! With surprise in her eyes like twinkles reflecting from the sun, Blair quickly made 

her way to HER beautiful bay pony who was anxiously awaiting her with a giant pink bow! 

If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I wouldn’t have believed that a little girl & her pony could have personalities so similar that it’s obvious they don’t need words to express the desires of their hearts. The minute her small hand cupped the soft muzzle of that pony, I knew it was the beginning of a special friendship.

This day 7 years ago my “peanut” weighing 5 lbs 15oz, forever changed our lives & continues to do so daily.  I watch without her knowing & feel an ache by the realization that she will continue to grow up & the day will come where she will no longer need a ride to the barn nor will she sleep just down the hall. As I often do, I pause & absorb her beauty & her soft, sensitive nature. I appreciate who she has become, &  I have faith she will all too soon grow up to be a strong woman in Christ .

As days end nears I am reminded of something I recently read in a wonderful book series called The Walk, “We are all on a walk…I don’t know what’s ahead of me…there are people I’ve yet to meet who are waiting for my path to intersect with theirs, so they can complete their journeys. I don’t know who or where they are, but I know for certain that they are waiting.” I reflected for a moment & realized that it’s about so much more than what WE are getting from those who cross OUR paths, that we must look at what our paths look like & the impact our paths can play in the journey of OTHERS who are waiting for our paths to intersect. Who we are & the people we long to be should have a greater impact on the journey of all those we encounter rather than what they have to offer us! What that path looks like? Well, that’s up to us! 

 I couldn’t be more certain about God’s amazing plan for how he wants our story to unfold. The road map of Tessa’s future so brilliantly took flight by lovingly impacting the heart of the one who saved her. Long ago the path was paved for this 6th Day in June where a sweet pony’s journey would yet again cross with one so similar in nature. The Lord’s plan is so grand as it perfectly unfolds in its rhythmical way like whispers dancing on a summer breeze!!

 I will never tire of these moments with my girls, with my family & friends...moments of time, a carefully planned out journey that will look a little bit differently in the years to come as I appreciate even more that these experiences are molded, by those lives who have intersected with ours!

Milestones...

High Upon That Hillside...

My husband & I moved to Texas a number of years ago & not long after we were settled into our new home I looked at Blair, who was around 8 months old & said, “C’mon Blair, lets go out & get a life today!” And that is just what we did! I was incredibly blessed by the meeting of one of my best, most dear friends Jamie that day when I was invited to attend a MOPS meeting in Flower Mound, TX. It’s been 7 years & I never knew that I could have such a friend as I have in Jamie, my “sister separated at birth”! Our family stories & personality traits are freakishly so similar it just doesn’t seem possible that we haven’t known each other our whole lives! Chris & I moved back to Kentucky but we talk almost every day, we often can’t make decisions without the help of the other & the distance is painful, but it has only made our friendship that much stronger! Recently Jamie was approached to speak in front of a group of women & as we discussed her impending message, an overwhelming urge stirred in me to add something to this monumental day that was fast approaching. I am still finishing her necklace so the image is something similar to give you an idea but the story tells the rest!

 Dear Jamie,

As I reflect on what I want to share with you, a favorite story of mine keeps popping up, “Tale Of Three Trees”. I have included something I made especially for you which holds such symbolism that I figured the Lord is paralleling in our stories.

I hand stamped the disk with something very special. Its surface holds 2 trees full of blooms and possibilities, birds that rest in their delight. These trees stand together upon a hillside so strong and sure. They have a bond like no other, a friendship so unconditional and true. The sun rises and sets around them as the days pass by. One defuses the other from the bright early morning light while the other shades her friend from the rays of the hot afternoon sun. Their days together are special and while they may stand firm high up on that hillside, they still must endure the view of the valleys too. They weather storms of many kinds, one leaning on the other as strong winds challenge them to a dual, pressuring them from one side to the other but still they stand strong and mighty! Cold winter nights brings chatter of the impending spring days and its offering of warmth and comfort in the thought of their fresh blooms filling their branches. While cold winds take their breath away, they wouldn’t trade the quiet of snowfall, the beauty of fresh powder covering the surface below. Spring showers bring companionship with bright May flowers but not before thunderstorms threaten their deeply grounded roots, Alarm sets in as heavy rainfall is quickly absorbed into the soil and fear of their roots breaking free is only temporary as their faith is a reminder of their promised safety. See, long ago, their presence was carefully planned. With large, yet gentile, father like hands they were placed deep below the surface of the earth with an important purpose. There is no doubt; nothing can bring these two trees down. Spring tempts to be their favorite as they witness the birth of new life all around. How proud they are to offer safety to baby birds nestled in the camouflage of her leaves anxiously await their mama with hungry bellies. They enjoy the tickles of squirrels quickly dancing across their branches in their sing song sort of way, as they go about their mission for nourishment. Their limbs are so full, so lush that if you fail to look closely, it’s impossible to determine where one tree ends and the other begins. Alas the days of summer arrive and cause their hearts to spill over as they relish the sweet sounds of little giggles and the feel of children climbing and swinging from their branches, Oh how peaceful is the quiet as loved ones nap in her shade. The days are long and filled with much happiness and activity. Before long, as if it were just yesterday, the brilliant colors of autumn arrive and paint stories of thanksgiving across the hillside. Their leaves will begin to drop soon, as they were intended to do, revealing their bark which acts as a road map of stories that have been fashioned in their presence. There is no denying the smell of the campfires warmth late into fall evenings. Oh how time flies watching children pop from towering piles of leaves or the whispers of thankfulness speaking through the cool breeze. Yes! Life is quite grand standing there as two, growing in their stillness.
The seasons come and go, year after year, and through it all, the two trees stand strong and tall, for they know, by doing so they will be pointing all that will see, to the one who placed them together many years ago, high upon that hillside, their Father.
In closing, I came across a quote that my mother gave me that I believe CAN “nutshell” such a journey:

“She not only saw the light at the end of the tunnel, she became that light for others.”

May you continue to allow God to work in you and thru you, to be a light for all those who thought they could never be brave enough to stand high on that hillside and share their story because after all, we really can do all things thought Christ! I love you dear friend!

In Him,
Sarah

What A Blessing...

I love those times when you hear God speaking so clearly in your heart that you feel like you just might  explode with excitement! Those times when you know without a doubt that he has filled your insides with well planned skills, ideas of creativity and focus, ideas so strong & sure, it's as if the floodgates have just busted wide open! It's so exciting, you just can’t seem to get on it fast enough!  While I am so truly blessed each and every day, I never tire of those really stand out times that almost take my breath away! 

Recently I was approached by The Reverend Richard Burden of The Episcopal Church of Our Saviour in Richmond, KY to shoot pictures for an article he had written and magazine cover for the Seminary he graduated from in California. Richard and I visited and discussed his expectations and schedule; we would only have 7 days to pull this shoot off so we need to get right to work!  As we threw around ideas for his shoot, Richard shared with me one of the neat things he does in his ministry which is something the Episcopal Church calls “The Blessing of the Animals”. Immediately I was hit with an overwhelming idea that I would have to keep to myself until I could confirm its possibility. I made arrangements to visit with my friend Karen Bailey at Central Kentucky Wildlife Rehabilitation and Summer Wind Farm. I was so pleased when Karen (and her furry friends) told me that they were happy to help us capture Richard blessing not only her domestic animals such as the broodmares, foals & barn dog but also her rescued wildlife!  She expressed her concern however, because her wild animals don’t necessarily work on command but it was worth a try at capturing a modern day “St. Francis” image!  I let her know that I understood her concern BUT I had an overwhelming feeling about this one and wasn’t worried! Richard loved the idea of shooting with the animals and in the days that followed we established a plan of action!  Sunday morning would be spent in Richmond observing him in his church setting, sitting in on a class he teaches as well as the service and then he would come to Georgetown to shoot with the animals in the afternoon. 

Sunday greeted us with cool air and a beautiful blue Kentucky sky!  As I always do before a shoot, I spend some time visiting with God, asking for his peace as well as the ability to do HIS work, capture the images and story HE wanted me to tell.  I have never been more sure that we were setting out on a journey that would prove to be fully for the grace of the one who had blessed me with this opportunity!  By days end I had met wonderful, welcoming people at Richards church,  and was pretty sure this day was about a lot more than photography. I was more than elated to have had complete obedience; OK mostly obedient animals cooperate as I most certainly GOT just what we set out  for out on Summer Wind Farm, THE Blessing of The Animals!!!

 

 I would like to extemd a very special thank you to Richard and The Episcopal Church Of Our Saviour and its members as well as Karen and her crew, Central Kentucky Wildlife Rehabilitation & Summer Wind Farm!

Oliver!